This week is a very special week. This is not only one of the longest Vails ever written but this week changes everything in the Vail. Also, this week marks part two of my three part Horatioverse crossover. Last week we saw the Horatioverse invade the Vail, this week we see the Vail invade the Horatioverse, and next week will be the thrilling conlusion that is going to blow your swashbuckling minds. So, I hope you all enjoy this week and I can't wait to see what you think.
The Vail: London Fog
By Joey Pettine
Episode Ten: What Fools
(A magical midsummer's eve deep within the dark Forest of Dean. Three college students have built a campfire inside a clearing delineated by a large, unbroken ring of mushrooms. Outside the clearing, the black forest sways and creaks around them. Wild animals and strange noises echo within the forest. Two of the students, PEACE, a petite girl with long hair and a baggy tye dyed shirt, and DEE, a bulkier man in a college football jersey with yellowish-orange dyed hair, eagerly make out. WEBB, a thin man in glasses cooking a hot dog over the flames, jeers as they ignore him.)
WEBB
Lovely night, wouldn’t you say?
(They ignore him.)
WEBB
Mmm. Nothing I love more than a hot wiener in my mouth, especially when it gets all shriveled on the ends.
(He chuckles like a goof but they still ignore him.)
WEBB
You know a murderer lives in this forest?
(Peace stops, her eyes wide. Dee bows his head in defeat and sneers at Webb who smiles almost mischievously.)
PEACE
Are you serious? No lie?
DEE
Don’t play his games. It’s all bullshit.
WEBB
It's not bullshit. The Bunny Man is real. Might be watching us this very moment so I'd show some respect. Or else.
DEE
Or else what?
WEBB
Or else--
(ANDY VAIL comes crashing out of the forest. Leaves and twigs cling to his body, his clothes are torn in some places and blood red scratches decorate his skin. The students scream in terror.)
ANDY
Holy shit!
PEACE
Is that the the Bunny Man?
ANDY
The trees were fucking grabbing at me! The trees!
(Andy doubles over and barfs. The students look disgusted.)
ANDY
Oh, God. It's like getting launched out of a catapult by your balls.
(Andy stays on all fours, bowing his head toward the ground, his eyes closed. He slowly breathes in and out; long, deep, meditative breaths.)
PEACE
He doesn't look like a bunny. He doesn't have floppy ears or a poof ball tail.
DEE
What's he doing?
WEBB
I think he's meditating.
DEE
Or recharging so he can turn back into the Bunny Man! We should kill him.
ANDY
Please don't. I just need a second.
DEE
He heard us. It's those bunny ears.
WEBB
I don't think he's the Bunny Man.
DEE
Of course he is.
PEACE
So he's some sort of were-rabbit?
WEBB
No.
DEE
Not exactly, he used to work at this genetics lab where they did nuclear tests on rabbits.
PEACE
Oh, Lord. Nuclear bunnies?
DEE
And he got caught in a horrible explosion.
PEACE
A bunny explosion?
WEBB
What are you on about? That's not the Bunny Man, that's the Goat Man.
PEACE
There's a Goat Man and a Bunny Man?
DEE
And a Moth Man.
PEACE
Which one is he?
ANDY
For the love of God, I am not an animal, I am a human being. The... Bunny Man took my... my friend and I'm trying to find them but...
(Andy stands upright and takes deep breaths of the air, his eyes closed, turning in a circle.)
DEE
He's turning into the Bunny Man!
ANDY
I'm not the fucking Bunny Man! I'm... new to this dimension and I'm trying to find... them. But... This is Shakespeare Land, right?
PEACE
No, this is the Forest of Dean. In London. Shakespeare Land is in Florida. And I think they just opened another in California.
DEE
There's one in France, too. Me and Robin went last year. Spent all day in Hamlet Hollow riding the Pirates of Denmark ride. Wicked good.
WEBB
Are you trying to smell them?
ANDY
I can sense things... usually. There's just so much here. It's... it's-it's... fucking confusing. Everything feels musty and dusty like... like...
WEBB
Like an attic?
ANDY
Yeah! It's like... mothballs and cobwebs except there are flowers in the cobwebs. These beautiful, enchanting, aromatic things that waft into your nose, reach down your gullet, and tug at your heart. It's so fresh and alive.
DEE
Fresh but dusty?
ANDY
It smells like the full moon. This whole forest smells like the full moon.
(Andy breathes deep again.)
ANDY
Are those hot dogs? I could use a hot dog.
WEBB
Help yourself.
(Andy sits next to Webb and grabs the pack.)
ANDY
Is there mustard?
DEE
No. No mustard.
ANDY
Really? I could swear I smell mustard.
(Andy begins to put a dog on a stick but finds himself staring longingly at the dog. He licks his lips, kinda shrugs, then hesitantly bites into it raw. He seems to be expecting something disgusting but his shockingly pleased face and the sounds he makes while chewing show he is clearly enjoying the meat. He finishes one dog then grabs another.)
ANDY
These are the best hot dogs ever.
(He grabs another and quickly starts devouring that.)
WEBB
You really love those dogs.
DEE
You wanna marry those dogs?
PEACE
I think someone had a few too many drops of the magical flower.
(She pantomimes smoking weed and smirks. Andy is more than halfway through the pack now.)
ANDY
So this is an enchanted forest?
DEE
Not really.
PEACE
Although there was that incident with the Potter kid.
WEBB
That's just a made up story. There's no magic in these woods. Just dinosaurs.
DEE
Alien dinosaurs.
PEACE
Alien dinosaurs? Now you're making stuff up.
WEBB
Nope, he's right. Alien dinosaurs.
(Andy finishes off the pack, smacking his lips and licking his fingertips. After he finishes in one final, loud gulp, he seems to notice something and stares strangely, closely, at Dee’s ears.)
ANDY
What's with your ears?
WEBB
You don't look so good.
(Andy makes an unpleasant face.)
ANDY
You know, now that you mention it. I don't feel so good. I think I ate too many hot dogs. Aw, jeez. Okay. I need to find the Bunny Man. What do you know about him?
PEACE
Story time.
WEBB
Not far from here is an old, run down asylum. Hasn't been used since 1964 when they went bankrupt and let all the patients go.
PEACE
Baloney.
WEBB
It's the truth. Nowhere to send these men and most of them weren't dangerous enough for prison.
DEE
So they were released into the wild, sent back to nature.
PEACE
In this forest?
WEBB
This very one. But, like I said, there was nothing to worry about since most of them were harmless. All except one.
DEE
The Bunny Man.
WEBB
He’d been institutionalized for killing bunnies and hanging their carcasses all over the neighborhoods but what they never knew, until it was too late, was that he’d murdered his wife and children with a hatchet. And they let him out. He came to know these woods like the back of his hands, able to traverse even the most dangerous of paths in the dead of the blackest night, and to this day he roams the forests of Dean, searching for hapless campers who just can't HACK IT!!
(Peace screams and the boys laugh. Andy seems out of it, clutching his stomach, staring at the ground like a bad drunk.)
PEACE
You're an ass, Webber.
DEE
That was pretty funny, though.
PEACE
You're an ass too.
WEBB
It was just a joke, Peace. The Bunny Man isn't real.
(There is a strange hollow noise and Dee goes cross eyed. He bobs there for a second then falls forward, dead, a hatchet buried in the back of his head. Everyone screams, Andy gasps and tries to stand up, but the pain in his stomach doubles him over again. Then a hand comes out of the dark and seizes the hatchet. It pulls and Dee's body is pulled up with it. Finally, with a sickening sloppy sound, the hatchet pulls out of the skull and Dee drops back onto his face. Andy, finally managing to stand, and the others huddle in the middle of the clearing, trying to watch all sides.)
WEBB
It's him! The Bunny Man's real!
ANDY
It's okay. I can save you guys. I'm a hero.
(With a tittering laugh, THE BUNNY MAN jumps fully into the circle, swinging for Andy.)
WEBB
NO!
(Webb pushes Andy out of the way, knocking him back to the ground, and the hatchet buries into Webb’s shoulder. He screams as the Bunny Man quickly dispatches of him, repeatedly swinging the blade until he is nothing more than a bloody mess of flesh. Andy tries to get up but can only make it to his knees.)
ANDY
No! I'm the hero! I'm supposed to be the hero!
(Andy can't get up and Peace just stands there frozen. The Bunny Man grabs her long hair and pulls her head back, exposing her neck. He smiles, Peace breathes rapidly.)
PEACE
Please, help me.
BUNNY MAN
Some hero you are.
(He delivers one quick chop to Peace's neck. She holds the wound as blood gushes out and she bleeds to death. Andy watches helplessly, wide eyed and wobbling.)
BUNNY MAN
By the way, I'm not actually a bunny. I'm a moth.
(He runs out of the clearing, howling laughter. Andy doesn't look like he can stay upright much longer. Suddenly, DR. RANDOLF comes crashing into the clearing. He looks as rough and tough as he did before. He sees Andy then he sees the massacre.)
DR. RANDOLF
Andy? What happened here?
ANDY
I'm not a hero, Doc.
(Andy finally passes out, crumpling into a useless pile. Dr. Randolf runs to him and checks him over, looking into his eyes.)
DR. RANDOLF
Goddammit! What did you eat?
(The three corpses can't take it any longer and begin to laugh. Dr. Randolf looks at all of them, not as surprised as one would think. Now the laughter becomes a howling raucous and they can't take it any more. The dead students get up, still laughing, and each pulls a handkerchief from out of thin air. They continue to laugh as they wipe the mortal wounds from their bodies.)
DEE
That may very well be the best prank ever played on any mortal ever!
WEBB
I would have to agree.
PEACE
Ditto. Robin can go puck himself.
(They high five, big grins.)
DR. RANDOLF
You assholes.
PEACE
Name's Peace. Peace Blossom. Kind of a hippy name, I know, but it has a nice ring, I think.
DEE
Mr. Dee Seed, at your service. Master of tears and jeers.
WEBB
Webber, here. First name: Cobb. And our murdering maniac is—
BUNNY MAN
Moth. Call me Moth.
(The Bunny man reenters.)
DR. RANDOLF
You're fairies.
DEE
What gave it away? The fact that we were meeting in a fucking fairy roundel!
DR. RANDOLF
You're pathetic fairies. He's been poisoned. Godlike powers and the best you can do is slip him a supernatural roofy.
WEBB
We did a lot more than that, Doc.
PEACE
We made him fall madly in love with a package of hot dogs.
DEE
We made him smell mustard when there was none.
BUNNY MAN
We drove him to the precipice of insanity and forced him to peer into the depressing depths of his own doubt, turning Andy Vail from a multidimensional hero to a simpering, quivering pile of spaghetti.
DEE
Not bad for a couple of fairies.
DR. RANDOLF
You fucking idiots. You actually think this was your idea. Superhuman beings capable of turning dead leaves into hundred dollar bills, capable of convincing kings and emperors to give up their first born children, and you can't even tell when you've been conned. Why did you kidnap me to let me go? Why’d it take four of you to trick one mere mortal? Why did you even bother?
WEBB
Don't try to question the whims and desires of the fae. We do as we please.
PEACE
We can boil the oceans and conjure cyclones as tall as skyscrapers.
DEE
We've fed the children of presidents to ogres simply because we were bored.
MOTH
We could turn your brain to spirits and drink the wine as it ran from your ears.
DR. RANDOLF
And someone played you at your own game. There is an evil out there, beyond the worlds, far greater than you could possibly imagine. It has no form, no limits; I've seen it devour whole universes into its black, gaping belly just to get a little closer to Andy Vail.
MOTH
We make our own decisions! No one fools us unless we wish it so!
DR. RANDOLF
You sure? Cause I once heard a very interesting story about a fairy queen who spent the night with a real jackass. Maybe something’s made jackasses of you. And Andy paid for it.
RIPPER
I wouldn't worry about a few turned dogs, Doc.
(Andy's crumpled body stands up and smiles but the eyes behind the face belong to no other than the RIPPER.)
RIPPER
I’ve had much worse in my system.
(Now it is time for the fairies to look confused and worried. The Bunny Man yells in anger and swings the hatchet over his head at the Ripper. The Ripper sidesteps the swing and catches the hatchet by the handle, yanking it from the Bunny Man's grasp. The Ripper quickly turns the momentum into his own attack and buries the hatchet into the Bunny Man's hamstrings. The man in the bunny suit falls to his knees and Ripper grunts as he buries the hatchet into the other set of hamstrings just to be sure. Everyone watches him, afraid to approach or even speak.)
RIPPER
Nice weapon. Sturdy wooden hilt, sharp steel blade. Isn't steel like kryptonite to you guys?
(Dee tries to run. The Ripper screams with mad rage and pounces on Dee, burying the hatchet in his face over and over again until Dee stops screaming.)
RIPPER
I'll take that as a yes. One of the few things that can kill you and you're carrying it around. How stupid can you get?
WEBB
See me not.
(Webb throws some glitter into the air and starts to prance away. Ripper crows like a rooster and all the fairies clutch their ears. In one fluid motion, Ripper brings the hatchet across Webb's face. There is a snap as his neck twists and he drops dead. Now Peace tries to run.)
RIPPER
Peaseblossom, stop!
(She does.)
RIPPER
Turn around, Peasblossom, darling.
(She does so, trembling. Ripper smiles and makes a “come here” motion with his finger.)
RIPPER
Peeeeeeeeasblossom.
(Her legs carry her to him against her will. He leans in close as if he’s gonna kiss her.)
RIPPER
You should never tell anyone your real name. It gives them power over you. And Peace was a shitty alias.
(He grabs her air and twists her head back again, exposing her neck once more.)
RIPPER
Wanna hear something funny? I don't even believe in fairies.
(Peace suddenly gasps as if all the air has been sucked out of her lungs. Her eyes roll over and she also drops dead.)
RIPPER
Ha! Look at that, it worked. If I clap, will she come back?
BUNNY MAN
We didn't know.
RIPPER
Ignorance is never an excuse.
(Ripper brings the hatchet high above his head, falters, then drops the weapon.)
RIPPER
I do have one question for you. What’s with the bunny suit?
BUNNY MAN
I'm supposed to be a Moth.
RIPPER
Oh. Right. I could see that.
(Ripper pulls a scalpel from his boot and savors the kill as he slashes the Bunny Man's throat with it. Then he smiles at his scalpel and kisses it.)
RIPPER
You're the best, baby. I could never give you the axe.
DR. RANDOLF
You're not Andy Vail.
RIPPER
I’m better.
DR. RANDOLF
Does he know you exist?
RIPPER
He has an idea.
DR. RANDOLF
Do I call you Vail Too?
RIPPER
Call me the Ripper. Everyone else does.
DR. RANDOLF
What do you want?
RIPPER
I'm on your side, Doc. For now. You have information I need. But, I'm in no rush. Why don’t we head back to my apartment, grab a cuppa. It's only one dimension over.
DR. RANDOLF
Is Andy still in there?
RIPPER
Look, you wanna play twenty questions, let's get out of the damn enchanted forest. Then I'll tell you everything I know. You'll tell me everything you know. It'll be like a Barbara Walters special.
DR. RANDOLF
Fair enough. But you go first.
RIPPER
You don't trust me?
DR. RANDOLF
Not in the least. And I didn't spend ten years dimension jumping just to get stabbed in the back by a schizophrenic.
(The Ripper does a quick turn and slashes the top of Randolf's hand, then he quickly pops Randolf in the nose, and finishes it by pressing the blade of the scalpel firmly against Randolf's jugular.)
RIPPER
I am not one of Vail's pathetic fucking personality traits! I am my own man, Doc, and I’m not entirely convinced of your worth. So maybe you should save the bravado for someone less homicidal.
(Silence. Ripper releases Andy.)
RIPPER
Now let's go. It's chilly and I left my coat in my other dimension.
(Ripper returns the scalpel to his boot then picks up the hatchet again.)
RIPPER
I'll go first. There's a few trees who need to learn a lesson about keeping their hands to themselves.
(Black out but the sounds of the forest still prevail. Finally, they die out, and the lights come back up to reveal the stage has been split in half. One half of the stage is still dark, on the other half, Andy Vail lies in an unkempt bed. Dr. Randolf sits in a chair next to him, looking concerned but patient. Center stag, sitting profile, is a dresser with a stool to sit on and a large mirror on top. Andy groans and wakes. He sees Randolf, sees where he is, then seems confused.)
ANDY
Good God, dimension hopping is a mind fuck. You did it for ten years? I don’t even remember coming back.
DR. RANDOLF
What do you remember?
ANDY
Well, I went through the door, after you. I was in a fucking forest. Trees attacked me. I found… kids around a campfire and they… gave me hot dogs?
DR. RANDOLF
They were fairies, you were poisoned.
ANDY
I like you, Doc, you get to the point.
DR. RANDOLF
Do you remember anything after that?
ANDY
No. Should I?
DR. RANDOLF
Nothing? No dreams?
ANDY
What’s your point, Doc?
DR. RANDOLF
How long have you been having nightmares? How long have you been ignoring them?
ANDY
What happened?
DR. RANDOLF
The forest, the fairies. That was over a week ago.
ANDY
What?! I’ve been out for a week! I can’t be out for a week! There’s a Goddamn primeval ubervampire on a killing spree, not to mention a number of detectives out to get me, and—
DR. RANDOLF
You need to listen to me. You haven’t been out for a week.
ANDY
What the hell are you talking about?
DR. RANDOLF
There's a letter on the dresser. I was told it’s for your eyes only.
ANDY
What the hell are you talking about?!
(Dr. Randolf gets up to leave the room. He stops in the doorway.)
DR. RANDOLF
I hope you’re still here when I return. I’d much rather save this world with you.
(He exits. Andy seems confused and a bit scared. Lights come up on the other half of the stage revealing a mirror image on Andy’s room. There is a man, though his face is hard to see, laying exactly as Andy is. Hesitantly, cautiously, Andy finally leaves the bed. So does mirror Andy. Together, mirror images, the two Andys slowly, like scared children, approach the dresser and sit down, profile to the audience. The two Andys inspect the letter then take a second to look into the mirror, effectively looking at each other. They both take a second to inspect their faces, grunting a grunt of weariness and apprehension. Then they turn their attention back to the letter and open it. Together, they read. At first, as he reads, he is simply going through the words, but by the end, his voice has become gravelly, harsh, like that of the Ripper, and he reads with an almost cheerful jaunt to his voice.)
ANDY
Hello, Andrew. We’ve never been properly introduced before, technically we’ve never even met, but I’ve known you my entire life. This should come as no surprise since you conceived me. But you could never handle me. Not for long. You didn’t even like me. You looked into the heart of yourself, into the heart of your creation, and you ran. Of course, you can’t really run from yourself, can you? You can’t hide from the bastard who lives inside your head! Ask yourself, Andrew, is this really that much of a bolt from the blue?
(Andrew throws down the letter but mirror Andrew gently places it down, they are no longer in sync. Mirror Andrew smiles eerily at Andrew. Andrew seems to do everything except look into the face in the mirror, the face that does not seem to be his own. When Andy and the Ripper speak, both versions of Andy speak simultaneously but they speak gruffer with Ripper and more fearful with Andy.)
ANDY
What the hell is this?
RIPPER
I thought I made it very clear. Hm. Perhaps I did use too many metaphors, Daddy. I planned on writing more but after a week I was feeling sleepy and knew you’d be home soon.
(Andy finally looks into the mirror, into the face of the Ripper, the man that’s been inside him all along.)
ANDY
Oh, my God. I knew. I knew you.
RIPPER
You knew I was taking your body for test drives whenever you went beddy bye. You knew I was cleaning up your messes because you couldn’t handle it. “Boo hoo. I can’t hurt humans. Boo hoo. All this magnificent power is too much for me. Boo hoo. With great power comes great responsibility.” You knew and you didn’t care because you want out.
ANDY
No.
RIPPER
Don’t lie to me. I know you. I knew you.
(Mirror Andy reaches below the dresser and comes out with the scalpel, clean and shiny.)
RIPPER
Look what I brought.
ANDY
No!
(Andy leans back, trying to escape, but mirror Andy is faster. Mirror Andy reaches through the reflection, grabs Andy, and holds him close.)
RIPPER
Still trying to run from yourself? You think you’d learn.
(Andy struggles.)
ANDY
Let me go!
(Mirror Andy grins, pulling Andy closer.)
RIPPER
I’m stronger than you, Andy. I’m better than you.
ANDY
What are you going to do?
RIPPER
What I’ve been doing: Cleaning up your messes. Then I’ll make a few messes of my own. Thank you, Andy.
ANDY
Stop.
RIPPER
No, I’m serious. None of this would be possible without you. So I’m gonna give you that gift you’ve been yearning for so long…
(Mirror Andy shoves the scalpel into Andy’s throat, twists it grinning, and then pulls it out in one long slash.)
RIPPER
…oblivion.
(Andy sputters blood, choking on his own life, and then collapses to the floor, dead. Mirror Andy leans back into his seat, he cleans off the scalpel then carefully places it atop the dresser. With a triumphant grin, he opens the top dresser drawer and stands. Swiftly, like magic, he pulls the black London Fog trench coat from the drawer and slides into it, his second skin. Then he pulls out the bowler hat and tilts it over his face, obscuring his identity in shadow once more. Yet beneath the shadow, a smile can be sensed, the shark toothed smile of the Ripper. Lights go down on the half of the stage with Andy’s death. Dr. Randolf enters onto the Ripper’s half of the stage. He does not seem happy to see Ripper.)
RIPPER
Don’t seem so disappointed, Doc. You’ll hurt my feelings.
DR. RANDOLF
Where’s Andy?
RIPPER
Gone. For good.
(There is a long eerie silence.)
RIPPER
Lighten up, Doc. Andy finally gets some peace, you get a badass who can get the job done, we save the world, everyone gets what they want.
(Another long, unnatural silence.)
RIPPER
Fine. I’ll make it better.
(He closes his eyes and turns around twice.)
RIPPER
Hi, I’m Andy, but I still kick ass. Now let’s go. We’ve got work to do.
(Dr. Randolf, with a face that seems both sorrowful and guilty, exits. The lights dim. Softly, a voice on the shadows, ghostly, lost, speaks; Andy’s voice.)
ANDY
If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding, but a dream.
RIPPER
Dream’s over, Andy. My time now.
(The Ripper storms out, slamming the door behind him. Blackout.)
The Vail: London Fog
By Joey Pettine
Episode Ten: What Fools
(A magical midsummer's eve deep within the dark Forest of Dean. Three college students have built a campfire inside a clearing delineated by a large, unbroken ring of mushrooms. Outside the clearing, the black forest sways and creaks around them. Wild animals and strange noises echo within the forest. Two of the students, PEACE, a petite girl with long hair and a baggy tye dyed shirt, and DEE, a bulkier man in a college football jersey with yellowish-orange dyed hair, eagerly make out. WEBB, a thin man in glasses cooking a hot dog over the flames, jeers as they ignore him.)
WEBB
Lovely night, wouldn’t you say?
(They ignore him.)
WEBB
Mmm. Nothing I love more than a hot wiener in my mouth, especially when it gets all shriveled on the ends.
(He chuckles like a goof but they still ignore him.)
WEBB
You know a murderer lives in this forest?
(Peace stops, her eyes wide. Dee bows his head in defeat and sneers at Webb who smiles almost mischievously.)
PEACE
Are you serious? No lie?
DEE
Don’t play his games. It’s all bullshit.
WEBB
It's not bullshit. The Bunny Man is real. Might be watching us this very moment so I'd show some respect. Or else.
DEE
Or else what?
WEBB
Or else--
(ANDY VAIL comes crashing out of the forest. Leaves and twigs cling to his body, his clothes are torn in some places and blood red scratches decorate his skin. The students scream in terror.)
ANDY
Holy shit!
PEACE
Is that the the Bunny Man?
ANDY
The trees were fucking grabbing at me! The trees!
(Andy doubles over and barfs. The students look disgusted.)
ANDY
Oh, God. It's like getting launched out of a catapult by your balls.
(Andy stays on all fours, bowing his head toward the ground, his eyes closed. He slowly breathes in and out; long, deep, meditative breaths.)
PEACE
He doesn't look like a bunny. He doesn't have floppy ears or a poof ball tail.
DEE
What's he doing?
WEBB
I think he's meditating.
DEE
Or recharging so he can turn back into the Bunny Man! We should kill him.
ANDY
Please don't. I just need a second.
DEE
He heard us. It's those bunny ears.
WEBB
I don't think he's the Bunny Man.
DEE
Of course he is.
PEACE
So he's some sort of were-rabbit?
WEBB
No.
DEE
Not exactly, he used to work at this genetics lab where they did nuclear tests on rabbits.
PEACE
Oh, Lord. Nuclear bunnies?
DEE
And he got caught in a horrible explosion.
PEACE
A bunny explosion?
WEBB
What are you on about? That's not the Bunny Man, that's the Goat Man.
PEACE
There's a Goat Man and a Bunny Man?
DEE
And a Moth Man.
PEACE
Which one is he?
ANDY
For the love of God, I am not an animal, I am a human being. The... Bunny Man took my... my friend and I'm trying to find them but...
(Andy stands upright and takes deep breaths of the air, his eyes closed, turning in a circle.)
DEE
He's turning into the Bunny Man!
ANDY
I'm not the fucking Bunny Man! I'm... new to this dimension and I'm trying to find... them. But... This is Shakespeare Land, right?
PEACE
No, this is the Forest of Dean. In London. Shakespeare Land is in Florida. And I think they just opened another in California.
DEE
There's one in France, too. Me and Robin went last year. Spent all day in Hamlet Hollow riding the Pirates of Denmark ride. Wicked good.
WEBB
Are you trying to smell them?
ANDY
I can sense things... usually. There's just so much here. It's... it's-it's... fucking confusing. Everything feels musty and dusty like... like...
WEBB
Like an attic?
ANDY
Yeah! It's like... mothballs and cobwebs except there are flowers in the cobwebs. These beautiful, enchanting, aromatic things that waft into your nose, reach down your gullet, and tug at your heart. It's so fresh and alive.
DEE
Fresh but dusty?
ANDY
It smells like the full moon. This whole forest smells like the full moon.
(Andy breathes deep again.)
ANDY
Are those hot dogs? I could use a hot dog.
WEBB
Help yourself.
(Andy sits next to Webb and grabs the pack.)
ANDY
Is there mustard?
DEE
No. No mustard.
ANDY
Really? I could swear I smell mustard.
(Andy begins to put a dog on a stick but finds himself staring longingly at the dog. He licks his lips, kinda shrugs, then hesitantly bites into it raw. He seems to be expecting something disgusting but his shockingly pleased face and the sounds he makes while chewing show he is clearly enjoying the meat. He finishes one dog then grabs another.)
ANDY
These are the best hot dogs ever.
(He grabs another and quickly starts devouring that.)
WEBB
You really love those dogs.
DEE
You wanna marry those dogs?
PEACE
I think someone had a few too many drops of the magical flower.
(She pantomimes smoking weed and smirks. Andy is more than halfway through the pack now.)
ANDY
So this is an enchanted forest?
DEE
Not really.
PEACE
Although there was that incident with the Potter kid.
WEBB
That's just a made up story. There's no magic in these woods. Just dinosaurs.
DEE
Alien dinosaurs.
PEACE
Alien dinosaurs? Now you're making stuff up.
WEBB
Nope, he's right. Alien dinosaurs.
(Andy finishes off the pack, smacking his lips and licking his fingertips. After he finishes in one final, loud gulp, he seems to notice something and stares strangely, closely, at Dee’s ears.)
ANDY
What's with your ears?
WEBB
You don't look so good.
(Andy makes an unpleasant face.)
ANDY
You know, now that you mention it. I don't feel so good. I think I ate too many hot dogs. Aw, jeez. Okay. I need to find the Bunny Man. What do you know about him?
PEACE
Story time.
WEBB
Not far from here is an old, run down asylum. Hasn't been used since 1964 when they went bankrupt and let all the patients go.
PEACE
Baloney.
WEBB
It's the truth. Nowhere to send these men and most of them weren't dangerous enough for prison.
DEE
So they were released into the wild, sent back to nature.
PEACE
In this forest?
WEBB
This very one. But, like I said, there was nothing to worry about since most of them were harmless. All except one.
DEE
The Bunny Man.
WEBB
He’d been institutionalized for killing bunnies and hanging their carcasses all over the neighborhoods but what they never knew, until it was too late, was that he’d murdered his wife and children with a hatchet. And they let him out. He came to know these woods like the back of his hands, able to traverse even the most dangerous of paths in the dead of the blackest night, and to this day he roams the forests of Dean, searching for hapless campers who just can't HACK IT!!
(Peace screams and the boys laugh. Andy seems out of it, clutching his stomach, staring at the ground like a bad drunk.)
PEACE
You're an ass, Webber.
DEE
That was pretty funny, though.
PEACE
You're an ass too.
WEBB
It was just a joke, Peace. The Bunny Man isn't real.
(There is a strange hollow noise and Dee goes cross eyed. He bobs there for a second then falls forward, dead, a hatchet buried in the back of his head. Everyone screams, Andy gasps and tries to stand up, but the pain in his stomach doubles him over again. Then a hand comes out of the dark and seizes the hatchet. It pulls and Dee's body is pulled up with it. Finally, with a sickening sloppy sound, the hatchet pulls out of the skull and Dee drops back onto his face. Andy, finally managing to stand, and the others huddle in the middle of the clearing, trying to watch all sides.)
WEBB
It's him! The Bunny Man's real!
ANDY
It's okay. I can save you guys. I'm a hero.
(With a tittering laugh, THE BUNNY MAN jumps fully into the circle, swinging for Andy.)
WEBB
NO!
(Webb pushes Andy out of the way, knocking him back to the ground, and the hatchet buries into Webb’s shoulder. He screams as the Bunny Man quickly dispatches of him, repeatedly swinging the blade until he is nothing more than a bloody mess of flesh. Andy tries to get up but can only make it to his knees.)
ANDY
No! I'm the hero! I'm supposed to be the hero!
(Andy can't get up and Peace just stands there frozen. The Bunny Man grabs her long hair and pulls her head back, exposing her neck. He smiles, Peace breathes rapidly.)
PEACE
Please, help me.
BUNNY MAN
Some hero you are.
(He delivers one quick chop to Peace's neck. She holds the wound as blood gushes out and she bleeds to death. Andy watches helplessly, wide eyed and wobbling.)
BUNNY MAN
By the way, I'm not actually a bunny. I'm a moth.
(He runs out of the clearing, howling laughter. Andy doesn't look like he can stay upright much longer. Suddenly, DR. RANDOLF comes crashing into the clearing. He looks as rough and tough as he did before. He sees Andy then he sees the massacre.)
DR. RANDOLF
Andy? What happened here?
ANDY
I'm not a hero, Doc.
(Andy finally passes out, crumpling into a useless pile. Dr. Randolf runs to him and checks him over, looking into his eyes.)
DR. RANDOLF
Goddammit! What did you eat?
(The three corpses can't take it any longer and begin to laugh. Dr. Randolf looks at all of them, not as surprised as one would think. Now the laughter becomes a howling raucous and they can't take it any more. The dead students get up, still laughing, and each pulls a handkerchief from out of thin air. They continue to laugh as they wipe the mortal wounds from their bodies.)
DEE
That may very well be the best prank ever played on any mortal ever!
WEBB
I would have to agree.
PEACE
Ditto. Robin can go puck himself.
(They high five, big grins.)
DR. RANDOLF
You assholes.
PEACE
Name's Peace. Peace Blossom. Kind of a hippy name, I know, but it has a nice ring, I think.
DEE
Mr. Dee Seed, at your service. Master of tears and jeers.
WEBB
Webber, here. First name: Cobb. And our murdering maniac is—
BUNNY MAN
Moth. Call me Moth.
(The Bunny man reenters.)
DR. RANDOLF
You're fairies.
DEE
What gave it away? The fact that we were meeting in a fucking fairy roundel!
DR. RANDOLF
You're pathetic fairies. He's been poisoned. Godlike powers and the best you can do is slip him a supernatural roofy.
WEBB
We did a lot more than that, Doc.
PEACE
We made him fall madly in love with a package of hot dogs.
DEE
We made him smell mustard when there was none.
BUNNY MAN
We drove him to the precipice of insanity and forced him to peer into the depressing depths of his own doubt, turning Andy Vail from a multidimensional hero to a simpering, quivering pile of spaghetti.
DEE
Not bad for a couple of fairies.
DR. RANDOLF
You fucking idiots. You actually think this was your idea. Superhuman beings capable of turning dead leaves into hundred dollar bills, capable of convincing kings and emperors to give up their first born children, and you can't even tell when you've been conned. Why did you kidnap me to let me go? Why’d it take four of you to trick one mere mortal? Why did you even bother?
WEBB
Don't try to question the whims and desires of the fae. We do as we please.
PEACE
We can boil the oceans and conjure cyclones as tall as skyscrapers.
DEE
We've fed the children of presidents to ogres simply because we were bored.
MOTH
We could turn your brain to spirits and drink the wine as it ran from your ears.
DR. RANDOLF
And someone played you at your own game. There is an evil out there, beyond the worlds, far greater than you could possibly imagine. It has no form, no limits; I've seen it devour whole universes into its black, gaping belly just to get a little closer to Andy Vail.
MOTH
We make our own decisions! No one fools us unless we wish it so!
DR. RANDOLF
You sure? Cause I once heard a very interesting story about a fairy queen who spent the night with a real jackass. Maybe something’s made jackasses of you. And Andy paid for it.
RIPPER
I wouldn't worry about a few turned dogs, Doc.
(Andy's crumpled body stands up and smiles but the eyes behind the face belong to no other than the RIPPER.)
RIPPER
I’ve had much worse in my system.
(Now it is time for the fairies to look confused and worried. The Bunny Man yells in anger and swings the hatchet over his head at the Ripper. The Ripper sidesteps the swing and catches the hatchet by the handle, yanking it from the Bunny Man's grasp. The Ripper quickly turns the momentum into his own attack and buries the hatchet into the Bunny Man's hamstrings. The man in the bunny suit falls to his knees and Ripper grunts as he buries the hatchet into the other set of hamstrings just to be sure. Everyone watches him, afraid to approach or even speak.)
RIPPER
Nice weapon. Sturdy wooden hilt, sharp steel blade. Isn't steel like kryptonite to you guys?
(Dee tries to run. The Ripper screams with mad rage and pounces on Dee, burying the hatchet in his face over and over again until Dee stops screaming.)
RIPPER
I'll take that as a yes. One of the few things that can kill you and you're carrying it around. How stupid can you get?
WEBB
See me not.
(Webb throws some glitter into the air and starts to prance away. Ripper crows like a rooster and all the fairies clutch their ears. In one fluid motion, Ripper brings the hatchet across Webb's face. There is a snap as his neck twists and he drops dead. Now Peace tries to run.)
RIPPER
Peaseblossom, stop!
(She does.)
RIPPER
Turn around, Peasblossom, darling.
(She does so, trembling. Ripper smiles and makes a “come here” motion with his finger.)
RIPPER
Peeeeeeeeasblossom.
(Her legs carry her to him against her will. He leans in close as if he’s gonna kiss her.)
RIPPER
You should never tell anyone your real name. It gives them power over you. And Peace was a shitty alias.
(He grabs her air and twists her head back again, exposing her neck once more.)
RIPPER
Wanna hear something funny? I don't even believe in fairies.
(Peace suddenly gasps as if all the air has been sucked out of her lungs. Her eyes roll over and she also drops dead.)
RIPPER
Ha! Look at that, it worked. If I clap, will she come back?
BUNNY MAN
We didn't know.
RIPPER
Ignorance is never an excuse.
(Ripper brings the hatchet high above his head, falters, then drops the weapon.)
RIPPER
I do have one question for you. What’s with the bunny suit?
BUNNY MAN
I'm supposed to be a Moth.
RIPPER
Oh. Right. I could see that.
(Ripper pulls a scalpel from his boot and savors the kill as he slashes the Bunny Man's throat with it. Then he smiles at his scalpel and kisses it.)
RIPPER
You're the best, baby. I could never give you the axe.
DR. RANDOLF
You're not Andy Vail.
RIPPER
I’m better.
DR. RANDOLF
Does he know you exist?
RIPPER
He has an idea.
DR. RANDOLF
Do I call you Vail Too?
RIPPER
Call me the Ripper. Everyone else does.
DR. RANDOLF
What do you want?
RIPPER
I'm on your side, Doc. For now. You have information I need. But, I'm in no rush. Why don’t we head back to my apartment, grab a cuppa. It's only one dimension over.
DR. RANDOLF
Is Andy still in there?
RIPPER
Look, you wanna play twenty questions, let's get out of the damn enchanted forest. Then I'll tell you everything I know. You'll tell me everything you know. It'll be like a Barbara Walters special.
DR. RANDOLF
Fair enough. But you go first.
RIPPER
You don't trust me?
DR. RANDOLF
Not in the least. And I didn't spend ten years dimension jumping just to get stabbed in the back by a schizophrenic.
(The Ripper does a quick turn and slashes the top of Randolf's hand, then he quickly pops Randolf in the nose, and finishes it by pressing the blade of the scalpel firmly against Randolf's jugular.)
RIPPER
I am not one of Vail's pathetic fucking personality traits! I am my own man, Doc, and I’m not entirely convinced of your worth. So maybe you should save the bravado for someone less homicidal.
(Silence. Ripper releases Andy.)
RIPPER
Now let's go. It's chilly and I left my coat in my other dimension.
(Ripper returns the scalpel to his boot then picks up the hatchet again.)
RIPPER
I'll go first. There's a few trees who need to learn a lesson about keeping their hands to themselves.
(Black out but the sounds of the forest still prevail. Finally, they die out, and the lights come back up to reveal the stage has been split in half. One half of the stage is still dark, on the other half, Andy Vail lies in an unkempt bed. Dr. Randolf sits in a chair next to him, looking concerned but patient. Center stag, sitting profile, is a dresser with a stool to sit on and a large mirror on top. Andy groans and wakes. He sees Randolf, sees where he is, then seems confused.)
ANDY
Good God, dimension hopping is a mind fuck. You did it for ten years? I don’t even remember coming back.
DR. RANDOLF
What do you remember?
ANDY
Well, I went through the door, after you. I was in a fucking forest. Trees attacked me. I found… kids around a campfire and they… gave me hot dogs?
DR. RANDOLF
They were fairies, you were poisoned.
ANDY
I like you, Doc, you get to the point.
DR. RANDOLF
Do you remember anything after that?
ANDY
No. Should I?
DR. RANDOLF
Nothing? No dreams?
ANDY
What’s your point, Doc?
DR. RANDOLF
How long have you been having nightmares? How long have you been ignoring them?
ANDY
What happened?
DR. RANDOLF
The forest, the fairies. That was over a week ago.
ANDY
What?! I’ve been out for a week! I can’t be out for a week! There’s a Goddamn primeval ubervampire on a killing spree, not to mention a number of detectives out to get me, and—
DR. RANDOLF
You need to listen to me. You haven’t been out for a week.
ANDY
What the hell are you talking about?
DR. RANDOLF
There's a letter on the dresser. I was told it’s for your eyes only.
ANDY
What the hell are you talking about?!
(Dr. Randolf gets up to leave the room. He stops in the doorway.)
DR. RANDOLF
I hope you’re still here when I return. I’d much rather save this world with you.
(He exits. Andy seems confused and a bit scared. Lights come up on the other half of the stage revealing a mirror image on Andy’s room. There is a man, though his face is hard to see, laying exactly as Andy is. Hesitantly, cautiously, Andy finally leaves the bed. So does mirror Andy. Together, mirror images, the two Andys slowly, like scared children, approach the dresser and sit down, profile to the audience. The two Andys inspect the letter then take a second to look into the mirror, effectively looking at each other. They both take a second to inspect their faces, grunting a grunt of weariness and apprehension. Then they turn their attention back to the letter and open it. Together, they read. At first, as he reads, he is simply going through the words, but by the end, his voice has become gravelly, harsh, like that of the Ripper, and he reads with an almost cheerful jaunt to his voice.)
ANDY
Hello, Andrew. We’ve never been properly introduced before, technically we’ve never even met, but I’ve known you my entire life. This should come as no surprise since you conceived me. But you could never handle me. Not for long. You didn’t even like me. You looked into the heart of yourself, into the heart of your creation, and you ran. Of course, you can’t really run from yourself, can you? You can’t hide from the bastard who lives inside your head! Ask yourself, Andrew, is this really that much of a bolt from the blue?
(Andrew throws down the letter but mirror Andrew gently places it down, they are no longer in sync. Mirror Andrew smiles eerily at Andrew. Andrew seems to do everything except look into the face in the mirror, the face that does not seem to be his own. When Andy and the Ripper speak, both versions of Andy speak simultaneously but they speak gruffer with Ripper and more fearful with Andy.)
ANDY
What the hell is this?
RIPPER
I thought I made it very clear. Hm. Perhaps I did use too many metaphors, Daddy. I planned on writing more but after a week I was feeling sleepy and knew you’d be home soon.
(Andy finally looks into the mirror, into the face of the Ripper, the man that’s been inside him all along.)
ANDY
Oh, my God. I knew. I knew you.
RIPPER
You knew I was taking your body for test drives whenever you went beddy bye. You knew I was cleaning up your messes because you couldn’t handle it. “Boo hoo. I can’t hurt humans. Boo hoo. All this magnificent power is too much for me. Boo hoo. With great power comes great responsibility.” You knew and you didn’t care because you want out.
ANDY
No.
RIPPER
Don’t lie to me. I know you. I knew you.
(Mirror Andy reaches below the dresser and comes out with the scalpel, clean and shiny.)
RIPPER
Look what I brought.
ANDY
No!
(Andy leans back, trying to escape, but mirror Andy is faster. Mirror Andy reaches through the reflection, grabs Andy, and holds him close.)
RIPPER
Still trying to run from yourself? You think you’d learn.
(Andy struggles.)
ANDY
Let me go!
(Mirror Andy grins, pulling Andy closer.)
RIPPER
I’m stronger than you, Andy. I’m better than you.
ANDY
What are you going to do?
RIPPER
What I’ve been doing: Cleaning up your messes. Then I’ll make a few messes of my own. Thank you, Andy.
ANDY
Stop.
RIPPER
No, I’m serious. None of this would be possible without you. So I’m gonna give you that gift you’ve been yearning for so long…
(Mirror Andy shoves the scalpel into Andy’s throat, twists it grinning, and then pulls it out in one long slash.)
RIPPER
…oblivion.
(Andy sputters blood, choking on his own life, and then collapses to the floor, dead. Mirror Andy leans back into his seat, he cleans off the scalpel then carefully places it atop the dresser. With a triumphant grin, he opens the top dresser drawer and stands. Swiftly, like magic, he pulls the black London Fog trench coat from the drawer and slides into it, his second skin. Then he pulls out the bowler hat and tilts it over his face, obscuring his identity in shadow once more. Yet beneath the shadow, a smile can be sensed, the shark toothed smile of the Ripper. Lights go down on the half of the stage with Andy’s death. Dr. Randolf enters onto the Ripper’s half of the stage. He does not seem happy to see Ripper.)
RIPPER
Don’t seem so disappointed, Doc. You’ll hurt my feelings.
DR. RANDOLF
Where’s Andy?
RIPPER
Gone. For good.
(There is a long eerie silence.)
RIPPER
Lighten up, Doc. Andy finally gets some peace, you get a badass who can get the job done, we save the world, everyone gets what they want.
(Another long, unnatural silence.)
RIPPER
Fine. I’ll make it better.
(He closes his eyes and turns around twice.)
RIPPER
Hi, I’m Andy, but I still kick ass. Now let’s go. We’ve got work to do.
(Dr. Randolf, with a face that seems both sorrowful and guilty, exits. The lights dim. Softly, a voice on the shadows, ghostly, lost, speaks; Andy’s voice.)
ANDY
If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding, but a dream.
RIPPER
Dream’s over, Andy. My time now.
(The Ripper storms out, slamming the door behind him. Blackout.)
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