Why Batman Is Awesome

   It's been almost two years since my last post. What can I say. I've been busy. And I haven't felt any good stories for the Vail. So screw the Vail. Screw blogs. No one's reading this anyway. But recently The Dark Knight Rises came out and people keep trying to shove down my throat how much they hated it. So I wrote this in response.

Why Batman Is Awesome

by Joseph Pettine

The lights dim and the people around me fade into the shadows. Only a moment ago the audience was howling as a teenager in a purple suit and clown make-up faced off against a joker dressed as Adam West's Batman. For five straight minutes an entire row of seats had counted down the moments until midnight, announcing each minutes passing with a ridiculous vampire laugh. But now the theater grows as silent as the grave. In the darkness I spare a look at my coworkers, my friends, my loved ones. All of us joined together by our love, anticipation, and Batman. Not even the forlorn loner loudly complaining through a mouthful of popcorn can ruin this. Why? Because Batman is Awesome!

For those of you – who've been living in Pena Dura Prison – who don't know who Batman is... As a little boy Bruce Wayne watched his parents gunned down by a greedy mugger and his life changed forever. Unable to move on from the tragedy, Wayne traveled the world mastering the arts of combat and detection. He then returned to Gotham and, understanding that criminals were a superstitious and cowardly lot, donned the guise of Batman to strike fear into his enemies and bring order to his beloved city. And so he prowls the streets at night, bringing justice to a world of injustice, and reminding the most humble of us that you don't have to dress like a Bat to stand against the villains who just want to ruin it for everyone.

And there always will be the villains. The Scarecrows and Jokers and Banes who want to make everyone miserable. At midnight on July 20^th during a premiere of the Dark Knight Rises a masked gunman opened fire inside the theater killing twelve innocent people and wounding fifty eight more. The twenty-four year old assailant was quickly apprehended and later identified himself to the police as the Joker. Except he isn't the Joker. He isn't anyone special. Just an asshole with a gun. The same kind of person Batman has been fighting against his whole life. And the cast and crew of the Dark Knight Rises responded to the tragedy in true Batman fashion. Sending out heartfelt condolences to the victims and their families, suspending further premieres of the movie out of respect, Christian Bale even visited the surviving victims. Because we can't let the gunmen ruin the movie theaters and happy places we live in.

And there will be plenty of people trying to ruin the Dark Knight Rises for you. Almost as many as the people who want you to enjoy it. I liked it. And I figure I'd let you guys like it or dislike it to your heart's content. If you want a review then go read the forty five glowing appraisals of what many are calling the Godfather of superhero films. I'm only going to give three simple reasons for going to see the Dark Knight Rises.

1. Catwoman. For comic book fans there has never been a more accurate adaptation of character from comic book to film. For people who like strong woman who don't take guff from masked men then Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle is a dark dream come true. For everyone else... How do you not like Catwoman?

2. Bane. Many of you may find yourselves disappointed by Bane not being Heath Ledger's Joker. Get over it. Tom Hardy delivers a performance in a mask better than some actors do in the nude. Bringing a range of emotions to the screen with only his eyes and massively muscular body. Tom Hardy as Bane is the James Earl Jones as Darth Vader of our generation.

3. Michael Caine. Do I need to explain this? Since 2005's Batman Begins Michael Caine has been a staple of Christopher Nolan's films. Whether it be about magicians or dream thieves or Batman, Michael Caine has always brought a wealth of emotion and acting talent to his roles. This is in no way a slight to the impressive cast featuring Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Cillian Murphy. But if Michael Caine doesn't have you crying by the end of the film then your heart is colder than Mr. Freeze's.

I went to see The Dark Knight Rises with my friends and loved ones and coworkers. We loved the film and we had a great time. What more can you ask for. So go see the dang movie. And enjoy it.

The Vail: London Fog (Episode Sixteen: A Christmas Carol)

Here it is. Finally. The conclusion to the second series of the Vail, London Fog. I know it's taken me a while but shit just came up. I actually wrote it once and then lost it when my flash drive crashed. I kind of like this second version better. It's insane to think I started this season ten months ago, almost a year. Definitely harder than the first season. But I hope you guys enjoy it. Those of you who are reading. Which is probably no one. Actually, that's a lie. It's probably Seamus and maybe Liz. So, thank's guys. Even though you're probably only reading it because I make you. Still.
I don't really feel like giving you a recap but I'll give you this. Andy Vail got superpowers when his life went down the drain. Then he grew a multiple personality called the Ripper who had an affinity for trench coats and being an antihero. Now they share a body. There's also Doctor Randolf who was lost in another dimension but came back to stop some evil thing. There's a mute vampire called Cordeaux. Detective Williams was dying of cancer but recently allowed himself to be turned into an uber vampire to save his life. And Cain, yes, the Cain, is actually the father of all vampires named Blood who, for some reason, has taken over England and seems to be trying to destroy the world. I think that's enough to get buy on this story.
I hope you guys enjoy it. And I would like to assure you that this is not the last Vail ever. But this is the last one for a while. I might post a new series I've been thinking on but maybe not. This really might be it for a heck of a while. So if you aren't caught up on the Vail this is your chance. Start from the beginning. Read them all. Enjoy. I'm gonna not go think about London or monsters for a while. That's a lie, actually. Cause I'll probably go watch Doctor Who.
On a side note, I apologize to England for everything I did to it. Though this was a fun excuse to get to know London a bit better.

The Vail: London Fog

by Joey Pettine

Episode Sixteen: We Will Fight

(The Royal Albert Hall, little camps have been set up on stage, refugees of London living in the barricaded theater. ED, a pale man with a horribly exsanguinated body, sitting in a pile of rags, a blanket wrapped round his body, staring sadly at the floor. TINA TIMM, a young girl in raggedy clothing, traipses up to him, bouncing a little rubber ball.)

TINA

Merry Christmas, Mister Edward.

ED

Fuck off.

TINA

You shouldn't say such naughties on Christmas Eve. Santa won't bring you any goodies.

ED

It's not Christmas Eve and Santa's not real.

TINA

Of course he is. If vampires can be real, then Santa must be.

(Ed looks at her, worried.)

TINA

Don't worry, Mister Edward. I won't tell no one. You're a goody bloodsucker. You keep the rats out of our beds and never bite nobody.

ED

Keep it down, kid. You're gonna get me staked.

TINA

How come people don't like vampires anymore, Mister Edward?

ED

Because we eat annoying little girls.

TINA

Not you. You look awfully hungry. You could eat Mister Cringles if you want. He's getting old anyway.

ED

Really? Which one's he again?

(BOB TIMM, Tina's dad, enters.)

BOB

Tina, come eat your dinner and leave that man alone.

ED

Kid--

TINA

Tina. My name's Tina Timm.

ED

Shut the fuck up. If you tell anybody about me I will rip your throat out while you sleep. Got it?!

(She giggles then leans in close to whisper.)

TINA

I'm good at secret keeping. You'll see. I'll come back with Mister Cringles when I can sneak away.

BOB

Tina!

TINA

Merry Christmas, Mister Edward.

(She runs off to her father.)

ED

It's not Christmas!

BOB

What was that all about?

TINA

I wished Mister Edward a Happy Christmas but he said I was wrong. Isn't it Christmas, Daddy?

BOB

Sure, sweetheart. It can be Christmas as long as you want it to be.

TINA

Daddy, are you putting me on?

(DETECTIVE WILLIAMS enters, burly, his fangs hung over his lips.)

WILLIAMS

We need to talk.

BOB

Tina, go eat.

TINA

He's a mean vampire, Daddy.

WILLIAMS

Listen to your father, little girl.

TINA

Bugger yourself.

(Williams growls. Bob stands in front of her.)

BOB

Tina. Go. Now!

(She scampers off.)

BOB

What is it now?

WILLIAMS

One of your men killed one of mine.

BOB

I wouldn't call what you work with men.

WILLIAMS

We have a deal. I keep them away, you keep a low profile.

BOB

And how long does this go on for? Three more months? Years?

WILLIAMS

It never ends. The world's gone to Hell. Get used to it.

BOB

Be thankful I'm alive, that it?

WILLIAMS

Be thankful you can still die.

BOB

Is there anything else? You make my people nervous coming here.

WILLIAMS

I'm the only reason your people are alive.

BOB

Doesn't mean you're not a monster.

(Williams looks a bit guilty at that.)

WILLIAMS

Merry Christmas.

BOB

It's not Christmas.

(Williams leaves. DETECTIVE HARDY enters, tired and grizzled.)

HARDY

He suspect anything?

BOB

He isn't stupid. He won't keep us a secret much longer.

HARDY

Yes, he will.

BOB

That thing is a monster.

HARDY

Only part of him.

(The lights flicker and fade, as if an electrical problem. The sound of wind blowing, harsh snow. Candlelight begins to flicker, illuminating a tiny shack. Off to the side, in a bed, wrapped in blankets, RIPPER/ANDY, two minds trapped in one body, sleeps. Bustling about the room, stoking a fire, a woman in tattered red fabric with flowing red hair enshrouded under her raggedy red hood, THE LADY. When she speaks it is with a heavy welsh accent. A knock at the door.)

LADY

Come in child.

(Tina enters, snowflakes tumbling out her hair.)

LADY

Sit by the fire. The snow won't be letting up any soon.

TINA

I snuck some biscuits off for you. I could only eat one. They're heavy as stones.

LADY

Thank you, child.

TINA

I'd wish you a Merry Christmas but I don't know it is. I think Daddy's tugging on my toes.

LADY

Wish me one still. It isn't the timing but the sentiment behind which matters. If you so desire, it could be Christmas all year round.

TINA

Probably not. I get irate when they put up decorations before Bonfire Night. Merry Christmas, miss.

(Andy/Ripper stirs and groans.)

TINA

You think he'll ever wake. Should someone kiss him. Like in fairy tales.

LADY

Are you offering?

TINA

Might turn him into a frog.

(Andy/Ripper lets out a small shriek. The Lady moves beside him, making him comfortable.)

TINA

Is he okay?

LADY

None can say what takes place within the mind of a man. But I tell you this, child. Things have been set into motion. Solstice or not, great things shall be born tonight.

TINA

Because those man's dreams?

LADY

Wouldn't be the first time the world has been changed by the dreams of a man.

TINA

I wonder what he dreams about.

LADY

I imagine great things.

(The lights go down on all but Andy. He sits up and stares into the surrounding darkness.)

ANDY

Son of a bitch! We're still here!

(The Ripper steps into the sole light wearing his black London Fog trench coat and bowler hat, his face shrouded in darkness.)

RIPPER

Keep it down. Some of us are trying to... I don't know. Sleep doesn't exist so I don't know what the fuck I was doing. What were you doing?

ANDY

Wishing I was out of here, No Face.

RIPPER

I will cut your fucking throat!

ANDY

You already did, remember?

RIPPER

Yeah. You came back from the dead but you can't figure a way out of this... I don't know! Is it a room? Purgatory? Badly lit bowling alley!?

ANDY

That's what you wonder? Not where your face went?

RIPPER

I know where my face is. If I could rip it off those weak cheekbones of yours.

ANDY

I still maintain we're here because of you.

RIPPER

My mind wasn't trapped in the bowling alley from Hell until you came back.

ANDY

My sister in law wasn't DEAD AND INVADING OUR MINDS until you KILLED HER!!

(A horrifying damned screech, the light flickers, Andy and Ripper move closer to each other.)

RIPPER

You had to remind her!

ANDY

Yeah, cause she forgot!

(Out of the dark comes NANCY VAIL, a vengeful wraith, her soul twisted and hateful. Ripper screams and rushes her. She grapples his throat and lifts him off his feet, still kicking. Then she plunges her hand into his coat, Ripper screams and writhes, she removes his heart and shoves it down her throat, tossing Ripper next to Andy.)

ANDY

You know that never works.

RIPPER

One day I'll catch the bitch off guard. I'm getting really sick of being eaten alive.

ANDY

Me too, No Face. Me too.

(Nancy screams and the dark engulfs the stage, Ripper and Andy shriek in pain. The screams continue and morph to less discernible howls of pain. They continue as the lights come up on a room in the Tower of London. A strange machine sits center stage, wires hanging out. BLOOD stands, waiting. The screams cease and a door creaks open. DR. RANDOLF is lugged into the room by a large man, his skin discolored and rotting, his limbs held together by sutures and metal rods, GARY. He tosses Randolf at Blood's feet.)

GARY

Finished with the daily motivational, my Lord. Call me if any more inspiration is required.

(Gary exits. Blood looks and the weary and beaten Randolf.)

BLOOD

Return to work. The Master grows impatient.

RANDOLF

That's it? Haven't threatened to devour my eyeballs for a week now. Think you're getting as tired of the routine as I.

BLOOD

Return to work or your torment will be endless.

(Randolf pulls himself to his feet and goes to the machine. Blood stares off, like he's thinking.)

RANDOLF

Not what you hoped for is it? Whatever your master promised, this isn't what you expected.

BLOOD

Don't deign to know my mind.

(Williams storms in.)

BLOOD

What have you learned, my child.

WILLIAMS

Stop calling me that.

BLOOD

I tolerate your insolence because your skills of detection are unsurpassed. Have you located the mortals?

WILLIAMS

I found nothing. There are no people left in London. Only your monsters.

BLOOD

You are certain? I hear whisperings humans in the streets.

WILLIAMS

There ain't no people left.

BLOOD

What of the Vail? The Master requires assurance of his death.

WILLIAMS

If he was alive I would have found him?

BLOOD

The Master is not so sure. He believes you have lost your bloodlust.

WILLIAMS

Andy Vail is the reason I'm dead. He made me a monster. If he's out there, I will find him and kill him.

BLOOD

Return to the streets and search for the humans. The golem will assist you.

WILLIAMS

I don't need help!

BLOOD

If there is blood to be spilt the golem will not hesitate.

WILLIAMS

I'm not enough of a monster for you?

BLOOD

That has yet to be decided.

(Williams exits. Blood bows his head.)

RANDOLF

You brought all of this upon yourself. Every action you made since the beginning has lead to your damnation here.

(Blood moves with brilliant speed, gripping him by the face.)

BLOOD

You know nothing of the beginning. Nothing of true damnation. This cold Hell is a child's nightmare besides the revelation that is coming. Yet your suffering begins here and now.

(He carries Randolf off stage. As the lights fade, the screams begin again. They die as the lights come up on Albert Hall. Ed sits in his pile of rags, staring hungrily at his own wrist, licking his lips. He bares his fangs, about to bite, when Tina scurries in.)

TINA

Merry Christmas again, Mister Edward. Can be Christmas every day if I have sentiment.

(Ed lowers his head, weeping a little.)

TINA

I brought you a present. Mister Cringles is in for a good biting, isn't he?

(Ed looks hopeful, as if this girl is his savior.)

ED

Really? Where is he? Bring him in. In, in.

TINA

I already did silly.

(She shoves forth a dusty old doll.)

TINA

Mister Cringles was my Mummy's dolly. He's so old he won't mind if you take a nip.

(The hope drains from Ed's face, he trembles. Then he sneers. He springs forth and grabs Tina, for once she looks scared.)

ED

You annoying little blood tease! I'm gonna drain you like a box of Hi-C and leave you under your Mummy's blanket for a Christmas present!

TINA

But you said it wasn't Christmas.

ED

I dunno. Santa dropped you into my lap. Merry Christmas, you tiny bitch.

(An ear piercing scream breaks the silence. Suddenly the Hall is filled with a cacophany of screams and panic. Families begin to run across the stage, dragging their children along. GHOULS chase after them, grappling some to the ground and digging into their flesh. Tina uses the distraction to poke Ed in the eyes. He drops her and she runs. He hurries after her, far too hungry. Bob runs on, scared.)

BOB

TINA!! TINA!!

(A ghoul attacks from behind. There is a shot and it drops dead. Hardy runs in.)

HARDY

What's going on!?

BOB

You were wrong! You were so fucking wrong!

HARDY

He came back? But we need more time! We haven't found Andy Vail yet!

BOB

Who the fuck is this Vail?!

HARDY

He's the reason for all this.

BOB

Then I can't wait to kill him.

(Another scream and a strange splattering sound. Bob and Hardy run off. Williams and Gary lumber on, ghouls and victims screaming around them.)

GARY

How did you miss this nest? Losing your touch. Or maybe they touched you, vampy wampy.

(Williams plucks out Gary's eye.)

GARY

That was my eye, asshole!

WILLIAMS

I hate your voice! How does a six foot pile of dead flesh talk so much anyway!

GARY

Fuck you! Inelegant golems are a hurtful stereotype perpetuated by that bitch Mary Shelly and asshole Karloff. DeNiro was the only realistic portrayal.

WILLIAMS

Shut up and do your job.

(Williams bites into the eyeball, eating it like an hors d'eouvres. A ghoul drags over a screaming woman. Gary approaches her.)

GARY

The job you don't have the guts do you.

(He reaches into the woman's shirt, blood spray from her mouth as he hauls out her intestines, tossing the pile at Williams' feet.)

GARY

Here's some extra. I'm gonna go rip the arms off that kid over there.

(Williams cannot look as the sounds of a child's screams echo across the stage. The lights fade, replaced by the sweet flicker of candlelight. Snow, blowing wind. The lady in red throws another log in the fire, wipes Andy/Ripper's brow, then takes her seat. Her door slams open and Tina runs in, jumping into her arms, crying.)

LADY

What's wrong child?

TINA

They're all dead! Oh, please, no, they're all dead!

(Ed bursts in, raving hungry. The lady stands, shielding Tina.)

ED

Gimme the fucking girl!

LADY

Leave this child alone. Leave this place!!

ED

Fuck it. I'll eat you both.

(Something hits Ed in the back of the head. He stumbles forward and Hardy enters, placing the gun barrel to Ed's head.)

HARDY

Vampire or not, I wonder how well you'd function with half your brain on the floor.

(Ed breaks down and begins to weep. Bob enters.)

BOB

What is this place?

LADY

My home.

HARDY

I followed the footprints in the snow.

TINA

Daddy!

(Tina runs to her father, he embraces her, she weeps into his shoulder.)

TINA

I thought you were dead!

BOB

Never, sweety. Never.

HARDY

Is that a wise promise to make?

ED

Just shoot me. Give me a fucking bullet lobotomy. If I have to spend one more minute around that goddamn little girl without killing her.

LADY

Quiet. You're all here for a reason. Tonight is the night. England the Brave.

HARDY

Scotland. It's Scotland the Brave.

LADY

No. Tonight it is we who must be brave.

TINA

The sleeping man! He's gonna wake up!

HARDY

Jesus Christ.

ED

I really hope not.

HARDY

That's Andy Vail.

BOB

What? Really?

TINA

It's a Christmas miracle.

ED

Why is this happening to me? I'm a good vampire. All I ever wanted was to dress up in glitter and feed off of underage girls.

(The lady moves past them and shuts the door.)

LADY

Choose your seat, gentlemen. It won't be long now. Andy Vail simply needs to wake.

(The lights go out on everyone except Andy again. He sits up and then the Ripper walks back on stage.)

RIPPER

I wish we had cards.

ANDY

Cause an eternity of Go Fish would be better?

RIPPER

Go Fish? How bout some Hold Em. You girl.

(Tina enters, bemused.)

ANDY

Speaking of girls.

TINA

Hello? It's dark here. Merry Christmas. Anyone there?

RIPPER

Christmas?

ANDY

Crap. We've been here awhile.

RIPPER

Hey! Girl! Where the fuck did you come from?

TINA

You should watch your language, sir. It' a holiday.

(He strolls over to her, towering over her. She looks where his face should be.)

TINA

Why are you crying?

(Ripper stumbles away from her, surprised, maybe scared.)

ANDY

You can see his face? He has a face?

TINA

I hate to bug you on Christmas, sir, but you need to wake up. Things are very bad and if you don't my Daddy might die.

ANDY

I'm asleep?

RIPPER

Have we been ASLEEP for the past THREE MONTHS!!?

ANDY

Little girl--

TINA

Tina. My name is Tina Timm.

ANDY

Hello, Tina.

TINA

Hello, Mister Vail.

ANDY

Tina, how did you get here?

TINA

I wished.

RIPPER

I wish I was awake and Andy Vail was dead.

(They both look at him. A pause.)

RIPPER

There's no place like home and death to my enemies.

(He clicks his heels three times. They continue to stare at him.)

RIPPER

I would kill you both if I could.

TINA

It wasn't that sort of wish. It was a Christmas wish. I was really scared and crying and sleepy. So I prayed to Santa.

ANDY

And he sent you here?

RIPPER

Santa's real?

ANDY

I guess so.

TINA

You have to wake up, sir. England needs you.

RIPPER

Oh, blow me. Everyone always needs Andrew Vail. Whole fucking universe zeroes in on Andrew Vail. I literally gave birth to myself and people are more impressed by Pop Rocks.

TINA

Excuse me, sir. But who are you?

RIPPER

See! Do you see!

ANDY

This is Ripper. He's my... brother.

RIPPER

I am his nemesis. I am the darkness within his soul. I am the malign shadow which creeps through the eerie London Fog. I am pretty fucking dark. And I get shit done.

ANDY

He's my brother... and he's full of shit.

RIPPER

Eat shit and die.

ANDY

I'm sick of dieing.

RIPPER

How do you know you only tried once.

ANDY

Maybe you should have a go.

TINA

Both of you stop! There's no time for fighting. People are dieing.

RIPPER

Who the hell are you to come in here and tell us what to do?

ANDY

She's the only living soul we've seen in months. Maybe it is a Christmas miracle.

RIPPER

What a load of Christmas balls!

TINA

No wonder you guys got a time out. You argue worse than my grans.

RIPPER

I really hope the universe doesn't have a system of cosmic time outs.

ANDY

Who knows? Two minds fighting over one body. What better way to make us share?

RIPPER

I ain't sharing shit!

TINA

You have to. Or else all is lost. Now wake up!

RIPPER

Don't you think we've been trying?

ANDY

We can't.

TINA

Why not?

(The scream of the damned, the lights flicker. Ripper moves closer to Andy and Tina, as if scared.)

RIPPER

She heard us.

ANDY

This is why we can't wake up.

(Nancy enters, grimacing and angry.)

TINA

What is she?

ANDY

If we're asleep I guess she's a memory. Or a dream.

RIPPER

That's not how I remember Nancy.

TINA

What's wrong with her?

ANDY

She died.

RIPPER

I killed her. Let's not sugarcoat it.

TINA

I thought you guys were heroes.

RIPPER

Depends on your definition of hero.

TINA

Heroes don't kill people.

RIPPER

Then we're not heroes.

ANDY

Get out of here if you can.

TINA

I'm not waking up until you do.

RIPPER

If you have any ideas on how to stop her.

TINA

Have you apologized?

RIPPER

What?

TINA

Have you apologized for killing her?

ANDY

I don't think it works that way.

TINA

Why not? She looks angry. Just say you're sorry.

ANDY

But I have. I've apologized for all the things that happened to her.

RIPPER

And I'm really sorry I had to kill her.

TINA

But did you apologize for yourself. Try.

RIPPER

You try. See how you like having your kneecaps used for serving bowls.

ANDY

Screw it. What can I lose?

(Andy steps forward. Nancy moves closer to him, sniffing, drooling.)

ANDY

Nancy, you know I loved you. I'm sorry Ripper killed you.

(She swipes him, scratching his cheek.)

RIPPER

She ain't buying it!

TINA

You have to apologize for yourself! Don't say your sorry if you aren't!

(Andy composes himself and stands his ground, Nancy is closer, licking her lips.)

ANDY

I'm sorry that I didn't love you enough, Nancy. I told myself I did but I never came for you, I never fought for you. All those years with my brother, I could have come for you. And I guess I'm sorry I didn't love you enough.

(She pulls back a little, seeming to change, intelligence in here eyes.)

ANDY

I'm sorry you're dead but I'm more sorry you're like this. I may not have killed you but I didn't save you either.

RIPPER

Don't be such a damned martyr.

ANDY

I'm sorry I was a whiny asshole. I spent so much time feeling bad about... about having superpowers and saving the world while you were in a fucking coma!

(Nancy stands up straight, looking confused, thinking.)

TINA

Now you're turn.

RIPPER

Screw you.

TINA

It's okay if you're scared.

RIPPER

Screw you twice. I ain't scared of shit.

TINA

It takes the bravest men to apologize.

(Ripper steps forward beside Andy.)

RIPPER

I'm sorry I killed you. But I tried to make it painless. And what was I supposed to do! Let you kille me instead! Would that have been better?!

(She sneers.)

RIPPER

I'm sorry! Sorry. I may not be the best of men but I thought I was doing the right thing. So, I guess I'm sorry for being... prideful. Is that the word?

(She hisses.)

RIPPER

What?! What do you want me to say?!

(Andy holds Ripper's hand.)

RIPPER

I'm sorry that you weren't the Nancy I remember. That's what I really wanted. Andy may not have had you but he got a kiss once. He got to spend time with you and talk about books. He got to try to be the hero. I didn't get any of that shit. I didn't get the life. All I get is a coat and a goddamn hat. I'm sorry I didn't get to be a real man for you.

(She looks sad, staring at them both with soft eyes. Then she turns and walks away, into the dark. Ripper looks at Andy.)

RIPPER

You fag.

(He shakes his hand off. They both look back to Tina.)

ANDY

I think it worked.

(Pale hands come out of the dark and grab Tina, hauling her off.)

TINA

WAKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!

(Ripper and Andy look at each other.)

RIPPER

Let's do this.

(Ripper removes his coat and hat and tosses them to Andy. In the process his shadow fades into the dark. Andy lays down, pauses for a second. He stares at his right hand.)

ANDY

Crap. I forgot we only have one hand.

(He lays down and drapes the blanket over himself, covering his head. The candlelight flicker returns, lighting the little shack. Bob stumbles in, blood staining his torso, a knife in hand. The shack has been ransacked, no one else in sight. Andy/Ripper sits up, throwing the blanket off them. Ripper speaks with a gruff voice, stern face. Andy a higher voice, soft eyes. They sit up and look at the bandaged stump where a right hand used to be.)

ANDY

Damned to hell.

BOB

You son of a bitch.

RIPPER

What happened?

BOB

They found us. It was the vampire. The old woman hid you beneath the covers.

RIPPER

What old lady?!

(Bob grabs Ripper/Andy.)

BOB

They took my daughter. I stayed behind you because you're supposed to be important. If my daughter dies, I will haunt your dreams for eternity.

RIPPER

Been there, done that.

ANDY

We'll get her back.

(Bob dies. They grab the knife from his dead hands.)

RIPPER

You call this a knife.

ANDY

There's tracks in the snow. We can follow.

RIPPER

Not yet. We don't have what it takes to go against Blood or whatever else he's got.

ANDY

We don't have time for a montage. It's already been three months.

RIPPER

Don't worry. I know where I'm going.

(They run out. Blackout. A spark, electricity. Then more, arcs and sparking wires. It's Randolf, working on the machine. His face is blank, no hope, only intelligence. He stops a moment. Staring toward the ground. Blood enters and Randolf makes himself busy.)

BLOOD

The Master has begun to question your work ethic.

RANDOLF

More torture then.

BLOOD

He believes the inquisitions are taxing you.

RANDOLF

How quickly does he expect me to finish. It's been three months. I'm supposed to tear an opening into the space beyond realities. This isn't a three month ordeal.

BLOOD

Nonetheless. The Master believes you are stalling. I believe this shall motivate you.

(Gary enters carrying Tina, squirming in his rotting arms. The Lady strolls in after him, her wrists bound, led along by a rope, her head bowed. Williams after them, looking anywhere except the little girl.)

GARY

This little piglet's been squirming the whole way here. You think she'd get tired. Maybe if I twisted her neck.

BLOOD

You will finish the machine or the girl will die.

RANDOLF

What do you want from me? This is complex, it breaks the laws of physics and the natural world. What do you expect?

GARY

I don't think he's going to cooperate. Maybe if the girl were more vocal.

RANDOLF

LEAVE HER ALONE!!

GARY

I don't believe I've ever heard the good doctor yell like that. And I used to put sharp things inside him.

WILLIAMS

Quit yapping or I'm taking your tongue next.

BLOOD

Finish the machine or we will torture and kill the girl.

GARY

And we'll make you listen. Watch if you're lucky.

RANDOLF

You're disgusting.

GARY

I've got a rotten mind. Literally.

BLOOD

Take them away.

(Gary carries off Tina, dragging the Lady. She raises her head as she passes, staring at Blood. For just a moment they meet gazes, then Blood looks away.)

BLOOD

My son.

(Williams looks to him.)

BLOOD

If the humans escape. I will look to you for answers.

(Williams stalks off. Blood looks at Randolf then leaves him alone. Randolf looks at the machine, exhales, hangs his head. Maybe he even cries. Fade to black. A sound begins. Water, dripping, slowly. Then motion, something moving in the dark. A light, fire on the head of a match. INSPECTOR CORDEAUX lights a lantern, dimly illuminating the abandoned subway tunnel where he is holed up. Moldy sheets and blankets piled in the corner, water dripping from the ceiling, odd items piled and placed about, a machete and other sharp implements sitting on a small table. Cordeaux lights another lantern, revealing a corner covered in grizzled flesh and picked bones, buckets of stagnant blood. His place of feeding. His clothes are cruddy, damp rags hanging off him. He lights another lantern. Ripper/Andy stands in the dark behind him, a foreboding figure.)

RIPPER

Did you think I wouldn't find you, Cordeaux? Cowering here in the dark. Squirming underground like a worm.

(Cordeaux slowly turns, disheveled, unable to speak.)

RIPPER

Nothing to say to your old partner. Maybe I shouldn't have cut your throat. Maybe I should of taken the whole top. Alright, quit yapping, you know what I want.

(Cordeaux grabs a bloody burlap sack and tosses it to Ripper.)

RIPPER

That easy. I remember a man who would have cut my throat for fun.

(Cordeaux turns away and staggers to his bucket of blood, filling a little tin cup and drinking. He continues to ignore Ripper as he takes a seat.)

RIPPER

Why are you still here?

ANDY

Leave him alone. We need to go.

RIPPER

That's my machete.

(Ripper walks to the table and picks up the machete as well as a bloody scalpel and a rusty kitchen knife.)

RIPPER

You don't clean your blades. Let the chef's knife go all rusty. I'm in my right mind to stick it in you and let it finish rusting.

ANDY

Have you been down here the whole time? For three months?

(He just drinks his blood, ignoring them.)

RIPPER

He couldn't get out. Trapped in England, hunted like the rest of us.

ANDY

Get your stuff and let's go.

(Ripper takes the machete and walks toward Cordeaux.)

ANDY

What are you doing? We need to go.

RIPPER

He's pathetic. Look at him.

ANDY

We need to go.

RIPPER

He fought alongside Joan of Arc. Struck fear in the hearts of children and soldiers alike. His name still haunts the children of France. A hero. A bogeyman. Slurping fermenting blood in the sewers.

ANDY

Yeah. Okay. He killed kids and now he has a crappy life. Not surprising karmatically.

RIPPER

Cordeaux. Cordeaux, look at me.

(He ignores them.)

RIPPER

This isn't what you want. Mute and helpless. I can end it. I can give you a warrior's death. An honorable end to the macabre reign of the Gilles de Rais. A heroes death for Inspector Cordeaux. I can give you that.

(Still ignoring them, he unbuttons his collar, showing more flesh of his neck. Then he returns to his cup. Ripper approaches and raises the machete.)

RIPPER

Think of this. All those parents who watched you hang all those years ago. Imagine how pissed they'd be to know you lived.

(Ripper swings the machete. Blackout. Blood walks out in the darkness, dim lights. He seems to be pondering. Out of the dark walks the Lady. Blood senses her, turns to her.)

BLOOD

You have escaped your bonds. Yet you walk freely unto your death.

LADY

Is there anywhere truly safe on this island? If I am to die, what reason do I have to delay the inevitable?

BLOOD

You think differently from other mortals.

LADY

So do you.

BLOOD

I am no mortal.

LADY

Aren't you? You live. You hope.

BLOOD

I am the absence of hope.

LADY

Then you are nothing. A wisp of foul air. For even in the deepest of Hells, hope prevails. In the blackest of hearts.

BLOOD

You speak so candidly to your lord.

LADY

You aren't my lord. And I'm not yours.

BLOOD

My lord has turned his back on me.

LADY

Even with his back turned, he still listens.

BLOOD

Who are you to say such things?!

LADY

I'm Welsh.

BLOOD

Then you are nothing. England is dead and I am it's murderer,

LADY

You underestimate the spirit of Britain. Even now the Red Dragon stirs beneath it's united kingdom. The brightest flame in the blackest night. It's people carry on.

BLOOD

It's people die.

LADY

Never. They will fight you in the fields and streets. They will fight you in the hills, with confidence and strength, whatever the cost may be. They will never surrender.

BLOOD

Idle threats risking death!

LADY

When does it become enough? When has enough Blood been spilt?

BLOOD

When the Lord or the Damned themselves rise up and take me to the grave! When the only blood left to be spilt is mine own.

(Gary and Williams run in.)

GARY

Humans! They're attacking!

LADY

England the Brave.

(The Lady calmly exits.)

BLOOD

The Vail?

WILLIAMS

We don't know. He hasn't been seen.

GARY

The Master is calling for you.

BLOOD

Meet our enemies at the gate. Send them to whichever Paradise or Damnation they prefer.

GARY

Shall I take care of the girl.

BLOOD

Mind your orders!

(Gary and Williams hurry off. Blood looks behind for the woman, knowing she isn't there. The lights fade. There is an explosion and a bright flash of fire. The stage glows, yells and screams in the background. Williams and Gary stand their ground. Two men rush forward. Williams grabs them both by the neck and squeezes until they crack and drop. Another man, Gary hacks with an axe into the man's gut, another one down. Two more men, Gary throws down the axe and grabs one, pulling out a knife and stabbing the man over and over,, laughing gleefully. Williams grabs the other and breaks his arm, he screams, high pitched.)

WILLIAMS

VAIL! SHOW YOURSELF!

(Hardy steps forward. Williams is shocked)

HARDY

Your obsession never ends. Even in death.

WILLIAMS

Hardy, get out of here!

HARDY

Let that man go.

(Williams does without even questioning. The man crawls away with his one good arm.)

GARY

Hey!

(He grabs his axe, a large overhead swing into the man's back. He screams then stops.)

GARY

What the shit!?

HARDY

This is what you've become. You were the greatest man I knew. And you side with this.

WILLIAMS

LEAVE!!

HARDY

I told you, I'm taking you home.

GARY

This your girlfriend or something? Rip him to shreds.

HARDY

Your wife. Think of her. Think of the life you're throwing away.

WILLIAMS

I'M DEAD! I DON'T HAVE A LIFE ANYMORE!

HARDY

Only the Vail, right? Andy fucking Vail.

WILLIAMS

Look what he made me.

HARDY

There comes a time when you have to stop pointing fingers and realize what you did to yourself.

WILLIAMS

You think this is what I wanted?

HARDY

It only matters what you are. You aren't a monster.

GARY

Yes, he is! Literally.

HARDY

Then kill me. If it doesn't really matter, end me.

WILLIAMS

I will eat you, Hardy.

HARDY

To die by your hands would be an honor, sir. You're my partner, thick or thin, life or death. We walk out of here together or we die together.

GARY

Fuck this!

(Gary raises the axe over Hardy. Williams is faster, speeding forward and throwing Gary down. The axe clatters to the ground as Williams rips into Gary, ripping him apart in a spray of blood and screams. They stop when Williams rips out his throat while chewing away at his tongue. Hardy looks on, eyes wide, jaw dropped, he turns his gaze away. Williams stops. Spits out a chunk of flesh, covered in blood. He looks to Hardy. Hardy looks back.)

HARDY

Now what?

(The lights fade. Blood enters, a radio in one hand, Tina held tight in his arm, his hand to her throat. The lights come up, Randolf stands at the machine. Blood puts the radio down.)

BLOOD

The time has come. The machine will work or the girl shall die. The Master has ordered it so.

RANDOLF

I'm not a magician. It doesn't work that way.

BLOOD

Then the girl dies.

(He grabs Tina with both hands, as if to rip her apart, she screams.)

RANDOLF

NO!

(Blood stops and Randolf weeps.)

RANDOLF

I'll do it. I will.

(He hooks up some wires, hits something, the machine hums to life, giving off a feint violet glow. Then he grabs the radio and places it atop the machine, hooking wires into it. He clicks on the radio and “Innocent When You Dream” is playing. Tina weeps in Blood's arms.)

BLOOD

Bring him in.

(There is the clank of metal as two suits of armor haul in Ed, he's kicking and screaming, no shirt on, and a patchwork of skin has been sewn onto his chest, thirteen skinned tatoos making one archaic symbol that kind of looks like three lobed eyes. They haul him to the machine and now we see it has clamps, cuffs which bind the wrists and ankles and neck. Randolf continues to weep as he stabs electrodes into Ed's temples.)

ED

LET ME GO! LET ME GO!! THIS ISN'T FAIR! I FOUND THEM FOR YOU! I DID WHAT YOU ASKED! YOU'D HAVE NOTHING WITHOUT ME!

BLOOD

Quiet, vermin. Die with what little dignity you have.

RANDOLF

It's ready.

BLOOD

Begin.

(Randolf hits a button and the violet glow grows in strength, sparks fly as Ed's body begins to jerk and scream. Then the scream stops and there is only the elctrical hum and the radio playing it's song. Andy/Ripper enter. The bloody sack in their good hand.)

BLOOD

You are too late. It has begun.

ANDY

We noticed.

RIPPER

It looks like the Lord of the Rings out there.

ANDY

There were a lot more humans in London than we thought.

BLOOD

It doesn't matter. The Master is coming.

RIPPER

Yeah, he's coming all over your face.

ANDY

Who is this Master anyway? I've been battling you for almost a year now, I figured you were the final boss or whatever.

BLOOD

He is the Master.

RIPPER

You can't define a word with the word.

BLOOD

He is the Gateway and the Key. The All-In-One and One-In-All. Trapped in the Void beyond Time and Reality since Creation itself. He is returning and with him creation itself will cease.

RADIO

I told you I'd find a way back.

ANDY

I know that voice. Tillhouse!

RADIO

He was merely a puppet. A keyhole I could peek through. This time I will be flesh.

RIPPER

That's what the tattoos were for. A binding insignia.

RADIO

The symbol of my avatar. Lost in time. Pieced together from the flesh of my followers ancestors.

ANDY

They were all in London?

RADIO

The Cult of Yaga had a convention at the Langham Hotel.

RIPPER

That's why we were drawn here. We could sense the rift you created.

RADIO

It was hard work. Made my way through a slew of other universes. Whispering through the dreams of this archaic bastard, your cop friend, Nancy Vail.

RIPPER

Impressive.

ANDY

You did all this, moved time and space, just to get revenge on us.

RADIO

Don't be so ingrown. I have many reasons for want my rebirth. You just annoy me. And once I'm born I will personally ring the lives from your flesh.

RIPPER

Great plan.

ANDY

Lots of work. Only thing is.

RIPPER

You ain't going nowhere.

BLOOD

Go near the machine and I kill the girl.

ANDY

What do you get out of this anyway?

BLOOD

Oblivion.

RIPPER

That's what this is about. Killing yourself by getting someone else to do it.

ANDY

That's too Twilight.

RIPPER

I thought you were the first vampire. The greatest evil.

BLOOD

I am so much more. I am the first death. The last death. Father of the damned.

RIPPER

And mother of the bride. Yeah, I get it. Your Cain. We've known this for a while now. Stop yapping about it.

ANDY

It won't work you know. You've spent millenia unable to find death of any kind and you suddenly think that'll change because this purple douche.

RADIO

You're too late. It's almost finished.

ANDY

Are we too late, Doc?

RANDOLF

It's never too late.

RADIO

Shut up.

BLOOD

You can stop nothing. Your precious world is doomed.

RIPPER

Fuck the world. The world is a pile of shit.

ANDY

We're here for the girl. Promised her dad. Let her go and we'll give you what you want.

BLOOD

You can offer nothing. Only Father Yaga can bring on the dark.

ANDY

Then what? You spend all of eternity unable to see. Bumping around in the dark oblivion where Earth used to be. We can offer you true peace. No paradise. No eternal torment. Just nothing.

RIPPER

All you have to do is let the girl go.

(Ed's body screams, the voice of the radio coming from his mouth.)

ED

Shut the fuck up! Kill them. Now!

(The suit of armor go to attack. Randolf throws something on the floor and the suits fall to the ground. Literally attracted to it, flailing like turtles on their back.)

RANDOLF

Electromagnet.

ED

Kill them, you idiot! Rip out their fucking throats!

ANDY

Think about it. Even if it does work is this how you want to go.

RIPPER

The first killer, the bane of God himself, spending his final days the bitch of an incorporeal sissy la-la.

ANDY

No one ever becomes who they expect to be. But do you really want to be that.

(Blood stands up straight. He lets the girl go. Randolf grabs her and runs off.)

ED

NOOOOO!!

(There is a purple flash and Ed is broken free of the machine. He turns to Blood.)

ED

YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME!!

(Blood grabs the patchwork of skin on his chest and rips it off. The purple light flashes and strobes, sparks flying from the machine, Ed screams and his voice is transferred back to the radio. Ed's body falls to the floor.)

RADIO

I WILL FIND YOU!! I WILL DESTROY ALL YOU LOVE!! I SWEAR!!

(A massive spark and the radio explodes into flame. The purple light dies away and the machine ceases to hum. Blood and Andy/Ripper stand there.)

ANDY

Guess that's the e--

(The machine flashes one final bright violet flash. Blackout. A moment, then the sound of running water. The lights slowly come up, like the rising of the sun. Standing beside a well is Blood. Andy/Ripper and Randolf enter.)

ANDY

Where have you been?

RIPPER

We've been looking for you everywhere. We had a deal.

BLOOD

I came looking for the Devil.

ANDY

At the Wear River?

BLOOD

It is said a sinner once met the Devil beside this well. He cursed the land with an insatiable demon worm and damned a knight to murder his own father. All because a sinner refused to attend Sunday worship.

ANDY

Damn.

RIPPER

We've done a hell of a lot worse.

BLOOD

Yet the Devil refuses to meet my gaze. What of the little girl?

RIPPER

You're probably the worst murderer of all time and you're asking about a little girl?

RANDOLF

Her parents were killed. She's homeless. Most people are. There's a lot of rebuilding to do. If any country can do it.

RIPPER

Lot of monsters to kill. The London Eye's a slaughterhouse. Demon's infesting Big Ben.

ANDY

These people are proving quite good, though. Apparently there was a whole underground. The Queen herself led the charge against the Tower.

RIPPER

Oddly coincidental everything happened on the same day.

BLOOD

And what of you, Doctor?

RANDOLF

Are you ready?

(Blood looks to the sky.)

BLOOD

Lord, if you are listening, leave me be.

(He looks at Andy/Ripper.)

ANDY

You know the deal, guys.

(Andy/Ripper and Randolf close their eyes tight. Andy lifts the gorgon head out of the bag, crusted blood on the roughly hewn neck, long golden hair flowing in the wind. Thunder rumbles overhead, a flash of lightning. It dies down and standing on the edge of the river is a perfect statue of Blood. Andy shoves the head back into the sack and they all open their eyes.)

RIPPER

Handy.

ANDY

Now what do we do with this? Or him?

RIPPER

Isn't there a warehouse somewhere? Full of crates.

RANDOLF

We need a boat. Drop them into the Atlantic.

ANDY

There's so much to do.

RANDOLF

The whole country's in the hole.

RIPPER

Hey. Killing monsters is what we do best.

ANDY

That's a hell of a New Year's resolution. Clear England of all monsters. What about you, Doc? You actually alright?

RANDOLF

I've spent the past three months being tortured. Watching people getting ripped to shreds before my eyes. Little sleep, an abundance of pain. I've had worse.

RIPPER

You're a bad motherfucker, Doc.

RANDOLF

We need to work quickly. It isn't over.

RIPPER

Yeah, yeah. Lots of monsters.

RANDOLF

No. That thing from the radio is still out there. It may not have form but it did cross over. And it had all of BBC Radio to escape into.

RIPPER

Are you fucking me? You saying that thing is loose somewhere in the radio waves.

RANDOLF

Trying to find it's way out.

ANDY

Can't it ever stop? We only have one hand.

RANDOLF

I can fix that.

ANDY

Really? You're good.

RANDOLF

I can fix it for one of you. The machine I built was designed to transfer energy. The synapses of the brain are simple electrical charges. That vampire's brain was lost in the process. I could transfer one of you.

ANDY

You're saying we don't have to share?

RIPPER

I could have my own body?

RANDOLF

But you wouldn't be the Vail anymore. One of you. You'd lose all the powers and sixth senses of the Vail.

ANDY

You'd be a vampire, though. That's not too bad.

RIPPER

Me?

RANDOLF

One of you.

RIPPER

No heartbeat. No warmth. Eating only blood.

ANDY

But you'd have two hands.

RIPPER

Then you'd do it. Think about it, you don't have to be the Vail anymore. This is your chance to be free.

ANDY

I don't know. I fought my way back from the dead already. I'm not ready to be dead again. Whether that mean's strolling around or not.

RANDOLF

You'll have to make a decision. Fast. That thing is still out there and it won't be patient.

RIPPER

It'll be fine. It would need to find someone with that tattoo anyway and that's lost in time or something. We got some time. Now let's go kill some fucking monsters.

(They walk off. The lights fade. Then a light bulb, a lamp. A small room with a chair, a WOMAN at a keyboard, composing. A radio in the corner. A young MAN enters.)

MAN

Stefani. You're on.

WOMAN

How's the crowd?

MAN

Don't suck.

WOMAN

Great.

(She stands. Her skirt lifts a little revealing a tattoo on her thigh.)

MAN

New ink?

(She lifts her skirt showing off the tattoo, a symbol that vaguely looks like a three lobed eye.)

WOMAN

You like it? I found it in one of my father's old books. It's supposed to stand for timelessness or God or something.

MAN

God?

WOMAN

Some sort of God.

MAN

Glad you thought this through. Guess it's better than that Chinese bullshit. You got five minutes.

(He leaves. She turns back to her keyboard. Suddenly the radio crackles then comes to life. “Innocent When You Dream” begins to play. Confused, she goes to shut off the radio. As she touches it there is a bright flash of violet, the radio sparking and catching aflame. The woman screams as she is knocked to the floor. A moment as the fire dies to smoke. The woman picks herself up and smiles, her eyes a light purple now.)

WOMAN

And it's such a sad old feeling. The fields are soft and green. And it's memories that you're stealing but you're innocent when you dream. When you dream. You're innocent when you dream.

(Fade to black.)