The Vail: London Fog (Episode Fifteen: The Ripper And The Vail)

Wow. I can't believe we are already at the finale of the second arc, or season, of the Vail. It's been quite a ride hasn't it. And, I'll say, the last episode of this season is going to be a real doozy. So, tune in next time for the amazing finale to The Vail: London Fog. For now, just read and prepare for the last one.

The Vail: London Fog

by Joey Pettine

Episode Fifteen: The Ripper And The Vail

(The lights buzz to life on an old subway station office. On the floor lies RIPPER/ANDY, two minds in one body. Their right hand is gone, a machete impaled through their gut, blood all over. A double barreled shotgun lies beside them. On a table sit odd gadgets, some smashed. Horrible sounds echo from outside a doorway: gunshots, shrieking, demonic roars, and the wet, ripping sound of creatures feeding. Ripper/Andy stirs and groans, his good hand fumbling around the floor. Ripper speaks with a gruff voice, stern face. Andy has a higher voice, softer eyes.)

RIPPER

Get... the fuck... up... Get up...

ANDY

But... we're dead...

RIPPER

That's never stopped us before. Now... move it.

(His hand finds the handle of the machete.)

ANDY

I can't... There's a machete in my tummy.

RIPPER

Don't... don't be such a wuss... Get... uh... get UP!

(Ripper twists the blade, yanks it out his gut. Andy hacks blood. They groan, spit more blood, and lift themselves to their knees. They stare at the stump that is their hand.)

RIPPER

Look what you did.

ANDY

Fuck… you. How… how long were we out?

(They groan as they try to stand, wobble, then fall back on their knees.)

RIPPER

Don’t know. We got lucky. Fell asleep on the arm. Cut off the circulation. Probably saved my life.

ANDY

Our life.

RIPPER

Go sit on it, parasite.

ANDY

Can it. We have to stop the bleeding.

(Andy undoes his belt, wraps it around his arm. Ripper grips it in his mouth. Together, they pull, squeezing their arm against their chest, a tourniquet. They stand, still wobbly, but they stand.)

RIPPER

Great. Now my pants are gonna slide down.

ANDY

Did we lose weight?

RIPPER

We?

ANDY

What about our gut?

RIPPER

The bleeding's stopped. I don't think... Hang on.

(Ripper digs his fingers into the wound. They both scream.)

RIPPER

Vital organs seem alright. Spine obviously wasn't severed. We're good.

ANDY

I don't feel good.

RIPPER

Fucking Williams. What did he do?

ANDY

What he had to. To kill us.

RIPPER

He's working with Blood.

ANDY

I know. We gotta stop him.

(Ripper begins putting gadgets in his pockets.)

ANDY

What's this?

RIPPER

Our best laid plans. Things the Doc cooked up to help stop Blood. We need that gorgon head…

ANDY

It’s gone.

RIPPER

No shit, Sherlock. Probably Cordeaux. Should be easy to find.

(A scream, a VAMPIRE chases a wounded girl in. She screams for help, reaching for safety. The vampire pounces, bites into her. Andy grabs the shotgun and fires, the vampire’s shoulder explodes. It screams. Andy unloads another shot in its face. It slams onto its back, grabbing its smoking face. Andy tosses aside the gun.)

ANDY

We’re out.

RIPPER

Good.

(Ripper grabs the machete.)

RIPPER

It’s better this way.

(He steps over the girl, hacks into the mewling monster. The screams stop, Ripper looks satisfied.)

ANDY

The girl.

RIPPER

She’s dead.

(Their face is angry sorrow.)

ANDY

I THOUGHT YOU HAD YOUR GODDAMN VAMPIRES ON A LEASH!!

RIPPER

Our shit just went to Hell, Vail! No one’s on our side anymore!

ANDY

All those people. They’ll be slaughtered!

RIPPER

We have to stop Blood!

ANDY

And all those people—

RIPPER

Are going to fucking die! We can’t save everyone!

ANDY

YES, WE CAN!!! That’s what we do, you stupid fuck! We save everyone!! Otherwise we’re just killers.

RIPPERS

We’ve always been a killer, Vail. You can’t hide who you are.

ANDY

I was never that man. You were.

RIPPER

I did what had to be done!

ANDY

To help people! Righ! To help. Or… What’s the point? We might as well join Blood? We kill, but we do it to save lives.

RIPPER

Bullshit. We do it cause we like it. People just get in the way.

ANDY

Even you don’t believe that.

RIPPER

Yeah? Ask Nancy.

(With a quick flick, Andy/Ripper presses the machete blade hard into his throat.)

ANDY

What’s that supposed to mean? Answer me or I will end us both.

RIPPER

You don’t have the balls.

ANDY

Actually, I’ve got yours.

(Andy cuts him. They hiss pain.)

RIPPER

You don’t know, Vail. You weren’t there.

ANDY

Did you kill Nancy?

RIPPER

Vail, I—

ANDY

Did you?!

(Andy pushes the blade tight to his neck. Sorrowful tears drip down his cheek.)

RIPPER

It’s not your fault, Andy. We’re as bad as the things we kill.

RIPPER

I know. But we’re better than them too.

(He lowers the blade.)

ANDY

We’re gonna save those people. Then we’ll find Cordeaux, stop Blood, and save London. That’s how we make amends. Together.

RIPPER

We can’t make amends, Andy.

ANDY

We’re gonna try. You with me.

RIPPER

Fuckin’ A. Let’s do what we do best.

(They rush out the door, machete swinging. Blackout.)

The Vail: London Fog (Episode Fourteen: The London Underground)

Things are coming to a head with the Vail. Andy has returned. The Ripper isn't happy. And Blood is coming for them both.

The Vail: London Fog
by Joey Pettine

Episode Fourteen: The London Underground

(A dark motel room littered with stolen hospital supplies. DETECTIVE WILLIAMS, a sickly shade of the man he used to be, lies in bed, a makeshift IV in his arm. His breath is labored, his gaze distant, but he's conscious. Directly outside, gunshots are fired. DETECTIVE HARDY rushes in, barricading the door behind him. He's grizzled, tired. His gun is drawn though his hands shake. He carries a large, messy paper bag. He holsters his gun and goes to Williams' side, replacing the IV bag.)

HARDY
Still hell out there. Hard to find food and... things have taken over the hospital now. Sir... John... Why did you ever come here?

(Williams screams. Hardy fumbles out a needle and injects him. Williams calms. Hardy kneels beside him.)

HARDY
Stay with me, John. I found you. I'll get you home. No matter what.

(The door breaks inward, wood splintering everywhere. Hardy turns, weapon drawn, and fires upon BLOOD, who is dressed in bloody, ragged clothing. The bullets do nothing. Hardy stands as Blood reaches him, protecting Williams. Blood backhands him unconscious to the ground. He hovers over Williams.)

BLOOD
In the darkness, voices whisper your name. I have come to strike a deal.

(Williams weakly lifts his arm, gun in hand, and fires a shot before dropping it. Then he flips Blood the bird.)

BLOOD
You cannot kill me, I am already dead. I am the father of death. Yet through my veins flows a life. I can save you but you must do something for me. I need to find someone. You have hunted the same man across continents. I can give you the power to finish him and take back your life. Will you do as I ask?

(Williams nods weakly. The lights fade then slowly buzz to life on an old subway station office. DR. RANDOLF fiddles with some gadgets. Two VAMPIRE GUARDS stand by the door, armed and serious. Two vampires try to enter. ED, a pale man with black hair and a young body. LUPA, who wears clothes but whose arms and head are covered in yellow fur. Silver horns protrude from his forehead, silver tusks from his mouth. His eyes were gouged out. He wears a bandanna over them. He walks backward. When he talks, he makes a series of clicking and popping sounds. They are stopped by the guards.)
ED
Seriously? We've worked here months now. You've no idea who I am? You see me every damn day. This is why I wore the glitter, Lupa. Recognition.

(Lupa clicks noises in response.)

DR. RANDOLF
Let them in.

(The guards move. They enter.)

ED
Figures.

DR. RANDOLF
Any word on the gorgon?

ED
Sorry. Still no word from our serial killers.

DR. RANDOLF
Don't be a hypocrite.

ED
There are differences between those of us who kill to feed and those who kill for fun.

(Lupa clicks and pops.)

ED
Right. And those of us who risk our lives from those who don't.

DR. RANDOLF
I do my part. Do yours. What's the word above?

(Lupa clicks some more.)

ED
Don't I know it, Lupa. Fine. The word is Hell. London is Hell. It's barely safe for a vampire up there, Blood kills any neck sucker he comes across. Demons, zombies, humans, if they aren't with him, they're against him, and that means they're dead.

DR. RANDOLF
He's recruiting?



ED
One evil immortal can't run an entire city by himself. Though I wouldn't really say he's running it. More like feeding it to his private rogues gallery piece by piece.

DR. RANDOLF
Humans?

ED
Well they were screwed to begin with.

DR. RANDOLF
Are there any people left in London?

ED
People? They're fast food on legs. There's still a few here and there, not many, you've most of them down here. We bring in others whenever we find them.

DR. RANDOLF
Unharmed.

ED
Of course.

DR. RANDOLF
I see any scathed human necks, it won't be safe for a vampire down here either.

ED
You're like on instant replay. “Don't kill the humans. Don't kill the humans.” We get it.

(A gruff scream from the doorway. The guards block the entrance. RIPPER, in his black London Fog trench coat and bowler hat, punts one in the balls then karate chops the other in the neck, disabling them both.)

RIPPER
Get the fuck outta my way!

(He enters. INSPECTOR CORDEAUX enters behind him, holding a bloody sack.)

RIPPER
Get him out! Get him out! Get him out! Get him the FUCK out!

ED
Should we leave?

DR. RANDOLF
Did you get the head?
(Cordeaux holds up the bloody sack. Impatient, Ripper grabs Randolf by his lapels, his eyes full of desperate anger.)

RIPPER
We got the fucking head! Now get him out of mine!

DR. RANDOLF
What are you talking about?!

(Ripper lets go, his stern face replaced by soft eyes, his gruff voice by a higher one, he is ANDY VAIL. As the two men inhabit one body, it is this change in voice and expression that distinguishes them.)

ANDY
Hi, Doc. I'm back.

DR. RANDOLF
Andy!?!

(Ripper grabs his head.)

RIPPER
IMPOSSIBLE! Andy Vail is dead! I KILLED HIM!

ANDY
I came back.

RIPPER
NOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOO!

DR. RANDOLF
What did you expect? You can't kill a part of yourself.

(Ripper bellows and grabs Randolf by the throat, lifting him off the ground.)

RIPPER
I AM NOT ANDY VAIL!! I AM MY OWN FUCKING MAN!!

(He violently throws Randolf away.)

ANDY
LET GO!!

(Calmer, Andy helps Randolf up.)


ANDY
I'm sorry. I think you hit a nerve.

ED
What the fuck was that?

ANDY
It's okay. He's easier to hold when he's pissed.

DR. RANDOLF
Is it really you, Andy?

ANDY
It's really me. And I really was dead.

(Lupa clicks and pops.)

ED
I don't know, Lupa, he doesn't look dead to me. And I'm dead.

ANDY
Where are we?

DR. RANDOLF
The London Underground.

ED
Fuck, we are the London Underground.

DR. RANDOLF
You've been gone a while. London's bad.

ED
London's shit has hit the fan, Mr. Schizophrenic.

(Andy twitches.)

ANDY
I wouldn't say that around me.. him... He doesn't like that word.

ED
Excuse me, Dr. Jekyll, I didn't mean to insult your fuck-uppedness.

DR. RANDOLF
That's enough. Things aren't good. Blood was bad enough by himself but he's grown in power and more monstrosities take his side every day.
ED
Literally. He's like a monster magnet.

(Lupa clicks.)

ED
Except vampires. He fucking hates us.

DR. RANDOLF
We fled into the underground rail system about a month ago. Blood controls the topside. We don't know what, but he's doing something. And he wants us dead. We try to learn what we can, use the vampires for recon.

ED
More like slaves.

ANDY
How do you keep anything out? You can't barricade an entire subway.

RIPPER
A spell, you fucking moron.

DR. RANDOLF
An enchantment powered by vampire blood.

(Ed and Lupa hold up their hands displaying band aids on each finger.)

DR. RANDOLF
They can't use magic to find us.

(A grenade rolls through the doorway, stopping between the two guards. They look, wide eyed, then it explodes, knocking them to the ground. DETECTIVE WILLIAMS enters, his body rejuvenated, more powerful than ever. His eyes an unholy hatred, his skin an undead pale. Blood stains his collar, as if from a neck wound, though he has no visible marks. Cordeaux attacks with his rapier. Williams whips out a double barreled shotgun, emptying both into Cordeaux's chest. Cordeaux flies backward onto the ground. Ed and Lupa stand aside. Williams eyes Andy and roars a monstrous, titanic roar.)

ED
That's no vampire.

ANDY
Detective Williams?

WILLIAMS
Time to fucking die.
(Williams shoots. Andy ducks and a gadget blows up behind him.)

ANDY
You don't want to do this. You're a good man.

WILLIAMS
No more will die because of you. Nancy Vail is the last.

ANDY
Nancy's dead?

(Williams shoots. Andy rolls and unsheathes his machete.)

RIPPER
Fuck this shit!

(Ripper swings. Williams dodges it and trips Ripper. Ripper stumbles then turns to attack again. Williams lets off a shot and Ripper's hand disappears, the machete tumbles to the ground. Ripper/Andy look at the stump where a hand used to be.)

ANDY
My hand!

RIPPER
My fucking hand.

(Andy/Ripper drops to his knees, watching the blood spurt from the stump. Williams smiles, bearing fangs, and growls a laugh. Randolf rushes him. Williams knocks him out with the gun butt. He drops the gun and picks up the machete. He slowly approaches Andy/Ripper who looks at him, not seeming to know what's happening. Williams shoves the machete through Andy's/Ripper's gut and out their back. They grunt, a trickle of blood leaving their mouth.)

WILLIAMS
Fuck you.

(He twists it. Andy/Ripper collapse. Williams picks up Randolf and carries him off. Ed and Lupa watch him go. They wait a second. Lupa clicks something.)

ED
Yeah. I'd say we got off pretty easy.

(Fade to black.)

The Vail: London Fog (Episode Thirteen: Clash)

It has been quite a while since the last Vail. A few months actually. I'll just say that it's been a busy summer. But this season of the Vail is not over and the battle is only just beginning. So even though months have passed, the Vail is back and evil is going to pay. For those who need a recap...
Blood, the father of all vampires and first murderer, has awoken from an eternal slumber to wreak unholy havoc on London. Detective Williams, dying from a brain tumor, has followed Vail from America in hopes of finally bringing him down. Dr. Randolf, an old associate of Andy's brother, has literally fought his way through time and dimensions to warn Andy of a powerful darkness that is coming for him. And Andy Vail recently found out that he has a murderous alter ego called the Ripper. When we last saw Ripper, he had found a way to kill Andy and completely take over his body. But Andy, banished to a strange afterlife known as Summerland, got some much needed help and earned himself a ride across the river Styx and back to the land of the living. Now, Andy Vail is back, the Ripper has some competition, and evil is going to find that two times the Vail is twice as bad.

The Vail: London Fog

by Joey Pettine

Episode Thirteen: Clash

(The University College London Quad, twilight, the main building silent and dark behind it. To the right of the lawn sits a small astronomy shed, a little hut with a sliding roof, perfect for gazing at the stars. Surrounding the shed and littered across the lawn are statues: Women in blouses and tank tops, men with backpacks and books, bespectacled old men, and a number of other uncanny likenesses with only one thing in common, the look of utter horror which draws across their stone faces. THE RIPPER, clad in his black London Fog trench coat and bowler hat, and INSPECTOR CORDEAUX, wielding his Spanish rapier, enter, moving cautiously behind the statues, staying hidden from the astronomy shed. They stop, not far from the shed, hidden behind a statue of three girls cowering in fear. Ripper unsheathes a large machete from his coat.)

RIPPER

You get the door. I'll get the bitch. We move hard, fast, and silent. Shouldn't be a problem for you.

(Ripper grins mischief. Cordeaux glares reproachfully. Ripper suddenly grimaces and slaps his left ear. Cordeaux looks worried.)

RIPPER

Ah. I can't hear outta my left ear.

(He corkscrews his ear with his finger like it's full of water. Cordeaux looks impatient. Ripper gets serious and nods. Cordeaux moves silently to the door and pulls it open. Ripper rushes from his hiding spot when his body suddenly goes limp and he falls on his stomach, dropping the machete before the open door. When he lifts his head, dazed, his eyes are softer, the eyes of ANDY VAIL.)

ANDY

I made it. Crap. I still can't hear outta my left ear.

(He stands, similarly corkscrewing his ear.)

ANDY

Where am I?

(A beautiful voice slithers from within the doorway.)

EURO

You are in the serpent's garden.

(Cordeaux panics, drops his sword, and runs to Andy. He slaps his hand over Andy's eyes, closing his as well, then they both freeze.)

ANDY

I can't move. Why can't I move?

EURO

Because the stare of a gorgon is paralyzing.

(EURO emerges from the doorway. She wears a silken dress that moves like snake skin, she smiles and hisses, baring fangs like a vipers. Her hair is long and golden, stretching down past her feet and trailing behind her, it writhes and shimmers seemingly of its own accord. She steps over the weapons, not giving them a glance, staring intently at her prey. She moves intimately close to them, running her long nails over Cordeaux's fingers.)

EURO

Such supple, tender flesh. I like my men hard.

ANDY

Please, Medusa, no puns.

(She hisses anger inches from his face.)

ANDY

Ugh, snake breath.

EURO

My sister is nothing! Dry, peeling skin. That tangled snake's nest of a hairdo. And the piercings. Ugh! I possess a natural beauty that has literally left legions of men harder than marble. But who do the Muses remember?

ANDY

Okay. Sore subject. Sorry. But I literally just came back from the dead. If we could reschedule this maybe...

EURO

See me, dead man. See my beauty.

(She brushes Cordeaux's hand with her fingertips.)

EURO

Move that arm and look into me.

(Cordeaux's arm tremble, the muscles losing their rigidity. Andy's arm is trembling as well, shaking violently. Cordeaux's arm drops, revealing Andy's eyes. At the same instant, Andy delivers a whollop into Euro's face, knocking her back. He screams in the gruff voice of Ripper, very different from the higher voice of Andy, then claps his hands over his eyes again.)

RIPPER

Cordeaux, keep your eyes shut.

(Cordeaux squeezes his eyes tight. Ripper reaches into his jacket and pulls out a grenade. Euro looks back at him and he freezes, his thumb paused over the grenade's trigger, his arm shaking violently as it tries to lower his thumb.)

RIPPER

Let go of me!

EURO

You are helpless, hero. No man can fight the power of the gorgon.

ANDY

Good thing there's two of us in here.

(His thumb falls, there is a pop and a blinding flash. Euro screams. Cordeaux and Andy/Ripper unfreeze. They dive, roll past Euro, grab their weapons, pop onto their feet, and simultaneously swing to behead her. Blackout.)

The New Adventures Of The Vail (Summerland)

Yes, that's right my friends. In every series there are quintessentials that have to happen. Doppleganger episodes, love spell episodes, but most important is the crossover with another series. well, crossover ho! That's right, this week features a kick ass crossover between The Vail and The New Adventures Of Horatio, written by the brilliant Seamus Sullivan. In Horatio, Horatio has found himself traveling through underworlds searching for a ride home back to the land of the living. In The Vail, Andy has recently found his body taken over by and himself killed by his alter ego the Ripper. Thus our heroes meet in a very special underworld. Also, there are demon pirates which was supposed to happen in Pirates Of The caribbean 3 but didn't. So this is also like what I actually wished Pirates 3 had been like. Instead of Pirates 3: At Movies End. but, enjoy ye mates. Good time ahead!

The New Adventures Of The Vail

Summerland

With guest star Horatio and guest writer Seamus Sullivan!

(A run down riverside tavern made of sea rotted dock wood. Seaweed and barnacles hang from the rafters and stick to the floors, in one corner a large anchor sits atop the skeletal remains of some poor chap. Horridly, the skeleton's eyes are still intact within it's damnable smiling skull and frequently move from side to side, following the tavern's patrons. The bar itself be made of the fallen mast of some great ship. CHARON, a burly man with a curly red beard sits there, drinking a boiling red liquid and conversing with an emaciated bartender whose wrists are bound with iron shackles to the tavern's back wall. A number of rotting barrels serve as the tables for the rest of the bar, some of them cracked open, revealing blinking red eyes and slithering things within. ANDY VAIL sits at one of these barrels, drinking a chunky swill which sizzles against his throat and causes him to painfully grimace. Behind him, a lone figure cloaked in the shroud of a demon watches him. Suddenly, a man in modern sailors clothing, ASAD, rushes in, trying to find a place to hide. Charon and the bartender watch him, Andy tries to ignores his frantic scramble for safety. Then a deep, booming laugh fills the tavern and everyone notices. With heavy footsteps, three damned pirates enter. At the head of the pack is TEACH, a large man with a gorgeous black beard, dressed in the ratty bloodstained garb of a true corsair. On his left is LOW, a pirate whose smile would make the devil himself shudder. At his right is COSSA, a clean shaven pirate whose chest is adorned with an upside down cross. All of them look grimy with ash and brimstone, they spit blood as they speak, their hair singes eternally, and their eyes are filled with the fiery passion of a life of adventure. ASAD, speechless, turns to them with the blinding fear in his eyes.)

TEACH

You call yourself a pirate, Asad. Holding children and bartenders for ransom, firing machine guns over the heads of boy soldiers, that doesn't marry you to the sea. You're a poor Somalian thug with a boat.

LOW

Let me work on him before the feeding, Ed. I'll shave the flesh from his shin and make a peg leg of his own bones.

COSSA

It has been a while since we've had a good show.

TEACH

How's that sound to you, Asad? Ned's real good with his work. Not a drop of the crimson'll go wasted.

(Asad makes a pleading moan and begs with his hands.)

COSSA

Well blow me down. He seems speechless. You must speak up, Asad, if you wish to be heard.

TEACH

What's wrong, boy? Kraken got yer tongue.

LOW

No. But I do.

(The pirates laugh boisterously as Low holds up a wriggling, raw tongue. Asad weeps moans.)

TEACH

C'mon, men! Leviathan's waiting!

(Asad tries to run but it does no good as two more pirates, a man in a powdered wig named KIDD and a jovial buccaneer named BART, drop from the ceiling and sieze Asad's arms. The men laugh, tightly binding Asad with sailor's knots and man handling him into a bloody burlap sack. Bart throws the writhing sack over his shoulder and the pirates march out of the bar. Andy shakes his head as they go. Suddenly, Teach, bringing up the rear, pauses before the door, head tilted to listen. He sniffs deep and then slowly turns to Andy, a wide grin forms beneath his remarkably black beard.)

TEACH

Fifteen dead men nailed to my mast, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

(Teach sniffs again and his smile widens. He pulls a hatchet from his belt and points it at Andy.)

TEACH

No heart beats within my chest, boyo. But still I hear the thump thump thump of a mortal organ playing crimson. Someone is alive.

(Teach grabs Andy, lifting him from his chair, and presses his head firmly against Andy's chest. His grin turns to an all out smile and with a hearty laugh he tosses Andy over his head and crashes him back onto the floor. The demon figure watches with interest, the bartender keeps his head down, and Charon eyes Andy with a pathetic gaze. The other four pirates hurry back inside, sabers drawn.)

BART

Aw, fuck a mermaid, Teach. I thought you was brawling. Got me all excited.

TEACH

I got something better than a fight here, Bart.

KIDD

More sin-bait for Leviathan.

(Cossa kneels on Andy's arms, staring down at him in interest. Low is on his knees running his hands over Andy's arms and chest, poking and prodding at him.)

COSSA

This one seems different.

LOW

He's alive. Damned Lord, he's fucking alive! Can I kill him?

KIDD

A living soul? Here in Summerland?

TEACH

That's right, men. The greatest of all treasures.

BART

Life itself has washed ashore the beaches of the dead this night. Ours for the taking. Stand him up.

(Cossa and Low stand Andy up. Andy's head hangs low, not even interested in these men.)

BART

What say you, man? Are you sailor or sinner?

COSSA

What does that matter? Leviathan will still feed upon his soul.

LOW

And we will suckle the teat of Hell once more.

ANDY

You guys talk so fucking much. I thought I was verbose.

TEACH

You best watch your words around us!

ANDY

Why? Are you gonna feed me to Hell's goldfish twice?

KIDD

I would not make jest of the Leviathan.

COSSA

It is said the Styx serpent's bowels are worse than the maw of Lucifer himself. Five moments within the beast make eternal damnation look favorable.

ANDY

So toss me in already. Anything's better than thirty more seconds with you chatty bitches!

(Teach backhands Andy, rocking his head backward. Andy seems legitimately dazed.)

TEACH

No man insults the crew of the Black Freighter.

LOW

Let me kill him.

TEACH

No. We keep him living.

(Teach grabs Andy's ear and cuts it off with the hatchet. Andy screams and Teach laughs.)

TEACH

Living chum!

(The men give out hearty cheers.)

TEACH

Rip him apart, men! But leave enough meat to string him onto a hook!

(The men cheer and laugh, closing in on Andy. Low giggles as he pulls out a small knife and licks the blade until his tongue splits. Cossa bends Andy's arms backward and Bart hammers his fists into Andy's gut. Kidd holds Andy's hair while delivering hard right hooks into Andy's face. Teach watches and laughs, twirling the ear between his fingers. Suddenly the demon rises from his seat over to the men, the shroud billows as a monstrous roar of demonic nature fills the air. Low drops his knife and grabs Cossa. Bart and Kidd turn in fear. Teach seems more upset than frightened. The whole bar watches with baited breath as the demon seems to tower over the men.)

LOW

We weren't doing nothing wrong.

(The demon takes a step toward the pirates, all of them turn and flee, some even yelping in fear. Teach stands his ground, grimacing. The demon looks at him and simply stretches out an open palm. Teach flips him the middle finger while simultaneously putting the severed ear into his palm.)

TEACH

Go to Hell.

(He exits. There is a moment of silence as the demon helps Andy to his feet.)

DEMON
The crew of the Black Freighter are easily startled, but they'll soon be back. And in greater numbers.

ANDY
Are you quoting Star Wars?

(The demon shrugs off his shroud revealing himself to be none other than Horatio.)

HORATIO
I have wanted to say that FOREVER! Man that demon skin was itchy. I got your ear back. Maybe we can reattach it with some earwax.

ANDY
This is truly hell.

HORATIO
No, Hell's nine days' sailing from here. I rode in on a bolt of lightning myself. Overshot back into the underworld. Landed on the demon, which was lucky. Not for the demon. Barkeep! Stygian whiskey.

ANDY
Are you old enough to drink?

HORATIO
Ha. And one of whatever my friend here wants.

ANDY
We're not friends.

HORATIO
You're the only other living soul in Summerland. That makes us friends.

ANDY
Listen, Jar-Jar. All my friends are dead or in another dimension or both.

HORATIO
I knew we'd have stuff in common. Name's Horatio.

ANDY
Fuck off.

HORATIO
What is your problem?

ANDY
Look, don't think I don't know what this is. The sword, the, the whole shit eating grin, the banter? You're a hero, right? This is all some big adventure to you.

HORATIO
Well, yeah.

ANDY
That's how you think the world works when you're young. And then you can't keep your brother from getting the top of his head sawed off and you get your ass kicked by a guy in a bunny suit and you realize it's time to just rest and be done.

HORATIO
I heard that a lot, growing up.

ANDY
I'm serious. I used to go out looking for trouble, doing the man of mystery thing. Called myself the Vail. Battled supernatural ne'erdowells.

HORATIO
What happened?

ANDY
Fighting Aztec gods, time traveling bugs from the future, the fight got nasty. Part of me enjoyed that too much. Part of me didn't just want to shine a light into dark corners- it wanted to trample everything we saw there. I pushed that part of me away. Put it out of my mind.

HORATIO
Like Professor X and Onslaught.

ANDY
Are you speaking English?

HORATIO
That nasty part of you didn't stay put away.

ANDY
It calls itself the Ripper and it's killed I don't know how many people, wearing me like a cheap leisure suit.

HORATIO
And he sent you here.

(Andy makes a razor motion across his throat, with accompanying sound.)

HORATIO
Barkeep! Two more Stygians.

ANDY
It's better that I'm out of everyone's way. I couldn't save Michael, I couldn't save Nancy, I don't even know what happened to Henry. This is where I belong.

HORATIO
Have you looked outside? We're at the headwaters of the five rivers of the underworld. We’re talking rivers of tears and pain and fire. This is where the motherfuckers hang out who are so mean hell doesn’t want them. This is where a sin-eating sea monster the size of Newfoundland comes when it has the munchies! What's your name, stranger?

ANDY
It was Andy Vail.

HORATIO
Not Hitler McInfanticide?

ANDY
No.

HORATIO
Then you don't fucking belong here! And we have to get going.

ANDY
Why? Why not just let them have us?

HORATIO
Because I'm not dead. And neither are you. We hold the key to the greatest treasure of all, dammit! Life! And we’re not going to let some fish worshipping Pirates of the Caribbean castoffs walk us off a plank!

ANDY

If I was a member of the Boy Scouts of America I'da been really inspired.

HORATIO

It doesn't seem oddly convenient to you that two heroes who have died but aren't dead just happen to find each other in the most obscure of all underworlds.

ANDY

Oh, my jeez. You're right! Obviously we're supposed to team up, work together, and utilize our individual talents to beat the bad guys and save the day.

HORATIO

While also learning a lesson on how to be better heroes from each other. That's the point of a crossover.

ANDY

This isn’t a heroes journey! This is me getting wrecked in the septic tank of the universe while you talk my remaining ear off. I’m done.

HORATIO

Death is a luxury we don't get to enjoy, Andy. Death is the peaceful summer vacation we only get to watch from the schoolhouse windows of our over adventurous swashbuckling lives. Death is not for heroes.

ANDY

That’s not who I am anymore.

HORATIO
That’s a shame. Because I know a guy who’s got a soft spot for heroes. CHARON!

CHARON

By Cerberus’s sixfold nuts, can an old ferryman enjoy a moment’s peace?

HORATIO

I need a new drinking buddy. This one’s got a case of the sissies.

CHARON

Mine’s an Acheron Ale, shorty.

HORATIO
Two Acheron Ales. I’m buying. This demon was loaded.

CHARON

Pull up a stool.

HORATIO
Acheron, which river is…?

(He gulps his ale. His eyes widen. Veins stand out in his neck. He scrabbles at the bar for dear life, clutches his stomach, moans, manages to keep it down.)

HORATIO

River of pain, right.

CHARON
HO HO HA HA HAAAH! Cast iron stomach, my little Captain Heartbeat. Comes from an eternity of eating bladefish and sin scallops netted from Pluto’s dark.

(He slaps Horatio on the back, leaving Horatio visibly dizzy.)

HORATIO

Heh. Yeah. So speaking of heartbeats.

CHARON
I’m not ferrying you home.

HORATIO
You don’t even know I was going to ask that.

CHARON
It’s all anyone ever asks for. Keeps me in free drinks, excepting only the price of a lot of disappointed faces.

HORATIO
You used to do it all the time! Hercules, Aeneas, Orpheus, Dante…

CHARON
Hades took it all out of my hide! I don’t do free rides anymore.

HORATIO
I’ve got coin.

CHARON
Demon scrip. Only good for booze, and I’m already blessed with eternal wind in my three sheets, thank you.

HORATIO
Come on, Charon! We both know you can’t say no to a hero.

CHARON
Show me one and I’ll negotiate.

HORATIO
Dude. Magic sword. Demon skin. Quest through the underworld. Is there a hero box left unchecked?

CHARON
Hercules was atoning for the murder of his family. Aeneas sought counsel with his father. Orpheus quested for his lost love. Dante recorded the moral order of the universe.

(Charon’s eyes flash. He looks into Horatio’s soul.)

CHARON
You entered hell willingly to mock an old enemy and get a letter of recommendation.

HORATIO
Grad school’s competitive.

CHARON
I’ll tell you what I told Hercules. The line between hero and prick is a thin one, but it’s there. Thanks for the drink.

(Horatio returns to his seat by Andy, sits in a slump.)

ANDY
A letter of recommendation.

HORATIO
Shut up. Barkeep, two Lethe Lagers. Slainte, Vail.

(They drink.)

ANDY
Pbbbbt! Tastes like…a knife fight in a Jakarta dive. Coppery blood flavor. Aftertaste of stale peanuts. The fuck?

HORATIO
These babies are brewed downstream from the river of forgetfulness. You’re drinking the lost memories of the dead.

ANDY
I need a mint.

HORATIO
This one’s- phew- a housefire in Kyoto. Burning cat smell. Soba boiling in the pantry. Violent last memories bubble to the top.

ANDY
Why are we drinking this shit?

HORATIO
‘Cause a head full of angry, painful borrowed thoughts makes you might like a motherfucker. Drink up, Andy boy. We’ll be entertaining soon.

ANDY

Go get your kicks somewhere else, hero. I’m outta the biz.

(Andy gets up and sits at the bar, two seats down from Charon, to drink in silence and solitude. Charon eyes him again. Andy looks back at him, tired of being bothered.)

ANDY

I don’t know why you’re staring at me. I don’t swing that way, I’m not a hero, don’t try persuading me otherwise.

CHARON

Why would I waste my breath, mate? I’ve peered into your soul. Seen a whiny little boy, a lovelorn loser, and tiny shades of gray you actually think counts as a dark side. But there hasn’t been a hero there since your younger days.

ANDY

Thanks for the insults but what in damnation are you talking about?

CHARON

You don’t remember! HA! Now that’s what I call a hero, sailor! Twas your last day of the sixth year of grade school. You were gallivanting home with the youthful zeal reserved only for summertime when you came across your brother and his crew.

ANDY

You mean the day Mike kicked my ass and fractured my arm just for irritating him.

CHARON

I’d be irritated as well if you’d fastballed a stone into my face! About as subtle as a bacchanal of Amazons but it did the trick. He had that scar for the rest of his days and the boys forgot all about that puppy. It lived, by the way. A long, full, doggy life that earned it a place beside the hounds of Arawn in the Great Hunt.

ANDY

How do I not remember that?

CHARON

Truly heroic acts are rarely memorable. They are done by men who can see no other course of action and when they are finished the things they have changed seem more like they have always been that way. A true hero moves mountains but leaves no footprints in his wake.

ANDY

Is that some ancient Greek proverb?

CHARON

No, that’s from Kung Fu. The movie with David Carradine. If you can grab the stone from my hand, grasshopper. That one.

(Andy goes to drink but finds his mug his empty. Charon slides him a shot.)

CHARON

Try a shot of Phlegison’s, crusader. Puts fire in the blood.

(With a loud crash the damned pirates roll a large cannon through the tavern door. Kidd cuts a rope by the door and a net drops on top of Andy.)

KIDD

I netted me a big’un, Ed!

(Horatio jumps from his seat, drawing Excalibur, and then they fire a cannonball directly into his gut. He is thrown back against the wall, dropping Excalibur. Cossa runs for the blade.)

TEACH

Mine!

(Teach pulls out his flint and literally shoots Cossa’s brains out. Then he strolls to the great sword and picks it up. Horatio tries to breathe.)

TEACH

I knew you weren’t a demon when I’d recognized Excalibur hanging off yer waist! It’s been a while since I’ve held her.

(Cossa stands up, a gory hole in his head. The other men wait for their orders.)

TEACH

HA! The hole in yer faces matches the empty space in yer skull, unholy man!

(The pirates laugh boisterously. They all stop when Teach does.)

HORATIO

Did you just shoot me with a cannon?

TEACH
Summerland, matey. What doesn’t kill you-

(He kicks Horatio in the jaw.)

TEACH
-hurts! As you’re about to learn. Hold him.

(All of the men grab Horatio and stand him up. He wheezes a bit.)

TEACH

You know the blade of Excalibur is sharp enough to split reality itself in twain. Once knew a fellow pirate who’d use it to visit a strange land he swore never, never existed. Hid his treasure there. He was done in by a saltwater crocodile and some gay ginger kid.

BART

You’re rambling, Teach!

TEACH

We’re cutting our way outta Davy Jone’s locker, men!

BART

Let’s take back the high seas!

KIDD

Feel the spray of a living ocean!

LOW

Feel the touch of a woman!

COSSA

Feel whatever we’d like!

TEACH

That’s right, you scurvy seadogs! We’re taking our lives back! But first we’re gonna mince up our Danish dandy as a parting gift for the Great Beast that Ever Drinks!

(The men cheer once more. Andy looks to Charon.)

CHARON

Don’t look at me, son. I don’t give a Finnish fuck.

ANDY

Balls! Can’t a hero just ever die.

(Andy sighs once then downs the shot. His blood seems to boil and he spits out a jet of flame which burns the net to cinders. He quickly hops atop the bar then beams Teach with the empty shot glass. All the men look at him.)

KIDD

It’s the unliving!

TEACH

You insult me still, breathing boy! This blade can slice the hairs on your balls in two.

ANDY

You must have used it on yourself, you neutered dogfish. I’ve seen barnacles with more balls than you.

(Teach swings at Andy. Andy jumps over the blade, grabs a rope from the ceiling, and swings toward the other pirates. They all let go of Horatio and rush toward Andy which is a big mistake. His heels plant firmly into the chest of one of them which he pushes into the other three. They fall down like a bunch of stooges. Andy helps steady Horatio.)

HORATIO

Wondered when you’d join in. They shot with me a cannon.

(Teach turns and swings at them. They both duck the blade and roll. Then they rush over to the wall where two rusty swords are nailed. They rip them off and turn to the pirates. Teach leads the way with Excalibur while the other four stand with their own weapons drawn.)

HORATIO

I’ll be wanting my sword back.

TEACH

You can unsheathe it from your guts when I’m done!

(The two sides rush forward and swashbuckling begins. Horatio simultaneously fends off Bart, Kidd, and Teach. Their swords clash against one another with a graceful speed. Andy jumps onto one of the tables and kicks Cossa in the mouth. Low sneaks up behind Andy to stab him in the shins. Andy donkey kicks him in the throat then leaps onto Teach’s back. Teach flails around and starts hammering his back against the tavern walls. Charon is laughing heartily now. Horatio does a quick dodge and watches as Kidd and Bart impale each other with their swords. Then he pushes them over. Low sneaks over to the canon, leering. Cossa regains his feet and launches himself at Horatio who clotheslines him. Andy looks like he’s gonna barf. Finally, Teach flips Andy over his back and pile drives him into the ground. Andy rolls about on the floor as Teach tries to skewer him. Cossa grabs Horatio by the soft parts, jumps up and gets him in a stranglehold. Low laughs as he lights the cannon for another shot. Horatio gasps, reverse-headbutts Cossa and rolls out of the way. Cossa, Bart, and Kidd have enough time to gawk at the canon before it fires, knocking all of them over into a pile. Charon is almost in tears now. Teach gapes. Andy grabs him by the beard, pulls him down, and clocks him in the mouth with a heavy pewter mug. Horatio takes one aggressive step towards Low, who runs screaming out the door.)

HORATIO
That’s what I thought!

(Teach has his back to the bar. He brandishes Excalibur, snaps his fingers, and sets his beard afire with the devilish flame that springs from his fingertips.)

TEACH
Come on, then! Step forward and live forever as sashimi!

(Charon passes him a bottle.)

CHARON
Grog for courage, Teach.

TEACH
Aye.

(He gulps the drink down. Sniffles. His bottom lip starts to quiver.)

TEACH
River of Tears?

CHARON
Aye.

TEACH
Charon, you sea serpent.

(He wails openly.)

TEACH

Oh, Mrs. Teach, why’d I ever leave you behind to sail the briney?

HORATIO
‘Cause you’re a thieving blaggard-

ANDY
-who sets his own face on fire.

(They both punch him at once. He flies over the bar and out of sight. Excalibur flies into the air and falls, handle first. Horatio catches it.)

CHARON
Now, hearties, you know something about being a hero.

HORATIO

It’s about being true to yourself.

ANDY
It’s about risking it all for others.

CHARON
Seabiscuits! It’s about entertaining me! There’s room aboard my ferry for the likes of you!

HORATIO
Yes!

ANDY
Fo’ shizzle!

CHARON
What’ve you got?

HORATIO
I thought…because we were heroes…

CHARON
You get the hero discount. If Pluto catches me trafficking again I’ll be sponge-bathing Minos until Hades freezes over. Make it worth my while. Could you part with that handsome blade?

HORATIO
Someone needs this back, like, yesterday. Andy?

ANDY
Hot dog?

CHARON
You break an old oarsman’s heart, boys.

HORATIO
Wait…I don’t suppose you’d be interested in a full skin of mead?

CHARON
Real mead?

HORATIO
From Valhalla.

CHARON
I’ve not tasted mead in twelve centuries. Many a man in my ferry would row himself mad for a sip of the gods’ honey-brew.

HORATIO
That’s a yes, then?

CHARON
I’ve room for one of you.

ANDY
That’s all we have!

CHARON
Room for one is all I have.

HORATIO
Come on, man, we know you bend whatever-

CHARON
Minos. Sponge bath. Eternity. Room for one. If you’ve any baggage, I’m about ready to shove off.

ANDY

Only one of us is getting on that boat.

(Horatio turns en garde on Andy.)

HORATIO
Andy… May the best man win.

ANDY
He already has. You’ve got more adventures waiting for you up there. Go for it. I’ll be okay.

(There is a cacophonous roar from outside. Andy runs to the door and looks then turns back to Horatio.)

ANDY

It looks as if the entirety of the literally damned Spanish Armada has a score to settle. Time to set sail, Horatio. I’ll hold them off as long as I can.

HORATIO

Hey, you’re supposed to fight me for the right to live! I have at least three ghostly best friends who woulda tore me an ethereal asshole by now!

ANDY

If you don’t shake a fucking stick and move it, you’re gonna be dealing with a lot of assholes!

HORATIO

God dammit! Why do you hafta be so nice?

(Horatio knocks Andy out with the hilt of Excalibur.)

HORATIO
Strong wind and fair sailing, Andy Vail. Take good care of him.

CHARON
Hope for you yet, matey. Are you gonna be alright?

HORATIO

Know what? I think I will. You? Leviathan’s gonna be hungry.

CHARON

Are you kidding? My ship could sail the whole of Styx in less than fifteen parsecs.

(Charon hauls Andy easily onto his shoulder.)

HORATIO
Tell me one thing. I’ve never seen a less summery place in my life. Why’s it called Summerland?

CHARON
Tourism.

(Horatio stares at him. Charon laughs long and loud and walks out, towards the sound of the waves. Horatio turns back to the angry sound rushing towards the doorway.)

HORATIO

Best crossover ever.

(The End.)