The New Adventures Of The Vail (Summerland)

Yes, that's right my friends. In every series there are quintessentials that have to happen. Doppleganger episodes, love spell episodes, but most important is the crossover with another series. well, crossover ho! That's right, this week features a kick ass crossover between The Vail and The New Adventures Of Horatio, written by the brilliant Seamus Sullivan. In Horatio, Horatio has found himself traveling through underworlds searching for a ride home back to the land of the living. In The Vail, Andy has recently found his body taken over by and himself killed by his alter ego the Ripper. Thus our heroes meet in a very special underworld. Also, there are demon pirates which was supposed to happen in Pirates Of The caribbean 3 but didn't. So this is also like what I actually wished Pirates 3 had been like. Instead of Pirates 3: At Movies End. but, enjoy ye mates. Good time ahead!

The New Adventures Of The Vail

Summerland

With guest star Horatio and guest writer Seamus Sullivan!

(A run down riverside tavern made of sea rotted dock wood. Seaweed and barnacles hang from the rafters and stick to the floors, in one corner a large anchor sits atop the skeletal remains of some poor chap. Horridly, the skeleton's eyes are still intact within it's damnable smiling skull and frequently move from side to side, following the tavern's patrons. The bar itself be made of the fallen mast of some great ship. CHARON, a burly man with a curly red beard sits there, drinking a boiling red liquid and conversing with an emaciated bartender whose wrists are bound with iron shackles to the tavern's back wall. A number of rotting barrels serve as the tables for the rest of the bar, some of them cracked open, revealing blinking red eyes and slithering things within. ANDY VAIL sits at one of these barrels, drinking a chunky swill which sizzles against his throat and causes him to painfully grimace. Behind him, a lone figure cloaked in the shroud of a demon watches him. Suddenly, a man in modern sailors clothing, ASAD, rushes in, trying to find a place to hide. Charon and the bartender watch him, Andy tries to ignores his frantic scramble for safety. Then a deep, booming laugh fills the tavern and everyone notices. With heavy footsteps, three damned pirates enter. At the head of the pack is TEACH, a large man with a gorgeous black beard, dressed in the ratty bloodstained garb of a true corsair. On his left is LOW, a pirate whose smile would make the devil himself shudder. At his right is COSSA, a clean shaven pirate whose chest is adorned with an upside down cross. All of them look grimy with ash and brimstone, they spit blood as they speak, their hair singes eternally, and their eyes are filled with the fiery passion of a life of adventure. ASAD, speechless, turns to them with the blinding fear in his eyes.)

TEACH

You call yourself a pirate, Asad. Holding children and bartenders for ransom, firing machine guns over the heads of boy soldiers, that doesn't marry you to the sea. You're a poor Somalian thug with a boat.

LOW

Let me work on him before the feeding, Ed. I'll shave the flesh from his shin and make a peg leg of his own bones.

COSSA

It has been a while since we've had a good show.

TEACH

How's that sound to you, Asad? Ned's real good with his work. Not a drop of the crimson'll go wasted.

(Asad makes a pleading moan and begs with his hands.)

COSSA

Well blow me down. He seems speechless. You must speak up, Asad, if you wish to be heard.

TEACH

What's wrong, boy? Kraken got yer tongue.

LOW

No. But I do.

(The pirates laugh boisterously as Low holds up a wriggling, raw tongue. Asad weeps moans.)

TEACH

C'mon, men! Leviathan's waiting!

(Asad tries to run but it does no good as two more pirates, a man in a powdered wig named KIDD and a jovial buccaneer named BART, drop from the ceiling and sieze Asad's arms. The men laugh, tightly binding Asad with sailor's knots and man handling him into a bloody burlap sack. Bart throws the writhing sack over his shoulder and the pirates march out of the bar. Andy shakes his head as they go. Suddenly, Teach, bringing up the rear, pauses before the door, head tilted to listen. He sniffs deep and then slowly turns to Andy, a wide grin forms beneath his remarkably black beard.)

TEACH

Fifteen dead men nailed to my mast, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

(Teach sniffs again and his smile widens. He pulls a hatchet from his belt and points it at Andy.)

TEACH

No heart beats within my chest, boyo. But still I hear the thump thump thump of a mortal organ playing crimson. Someone is alive.

(Teach grabs Andy, lifting him from his chair, and presses his head firmly against Andy's chest. His grin turns to an all out smile and with a hearty laugh he tosses Andy over his head and crashes him back onto the floor. The demon figure watches with interest, the bartender keeps his head down, and Charon eyes Andy with a pathetic gaze. The other four pirates hurry back inside, sabers drawn.)

BART

Aw, fuck a mermaid, Teach. I thought you was brawling. Got me all excited.

TEACH

I got something better than a fight here, Bart.

KIDD

More sin-bait for Leviathan.

(Cossa kneels on Andy's arms, staring down at him in interest. Low is on his knees running his hands over Andy's arms and chest, poking and prodding at him.)

COSSA

This one seems different.

LOW

He's alive. Damned Lord, he's fucking alive! Can I kill him?

KIDD

A living soul? Here in Summerland?

TEACH

That's right, men. The greatest of all treasures.

BART

Life itself has washed ashore the beaches of the dead this night. Ours for the taking. Stand him up.

(Cossa and Low stand Andy up. Andy's head hangs low, not even interested in these men.)

BART

What say you, man? Are you sailor or sinner?

COSSA

What does that matter? Leviathan will still feed upon his soul.

LOW

And we will suckle the teat of Hell once more.

ANDY

You guys talk so fucking much. I thought I was verbose.

TEACH

You best watch your words around us!

ANDY

Why? Are you gonna feed me to Hell's goldfish twice?

KIDD

I would not make jest of the Leviathan.

COSSA

It is said the Styx serpent's bowels are worse than the maw of Lucifer himself. Five moments within the beast make eternal damnation look favorable.

ANDY

So toss me in already. Anything's better than thirty more seconds with you chatty bitches!

(Teach backhands Andy, rocking his head backward. Andy seems legitimately dazed.)

TEACH

No man insults the crew of the Black Freighter.

LOW

Let me kill him.

TEACH

No. We keep him living.

(Teach grabs Andy's ear and cuts it off with the hatchet. Andy screams and Teach laughs.)

TEACH

Living chum!

(The men give out hearty cheers.)

TEACH

Rip him apart, men! But leave enough meat to string him onto a hook!

(The men cheer and laugh, closing in on Andy. Low giggles as he pulls out a small knife and licks the blade until his tongue splits. Cossa bends Andy's arms backward and Bart hammers his fists into Andy's gut. Kidd holds Andy's hair while delivering hard right hooks into Andy's face. Teach watches and laughs, twirling the ear between his fingers. Suddenly the demon rises from his seat over to the men, the shroud billows as a monstrous roar of demonic nature fills the air. Low drops his knife and grabs Cossa. Bart and Kidd turn in fear. Teach seems more upset than frightened. The whole bar watches with baited breath as the demon seems to tower over the men.)

LOW

We weren't doing nothing wrong.

(The demon takes a step toward the pirates, all of them turn and flee, some even yelping in fear. Teach stands his ground, grimacing. The demon looks at him and simply stretches out an open palm. Teach flips him the middle finger while simultaneously putting the severed ear into his palm.)

TEACH

Go to Hell.

(He exits. There is a moment of silence as the demon helps Andy to his feet.)

DEMON
The crew of the Black Freighter are easily startled, but they'll soon be back. And in greater numbers.

ANDY
Are you quoting Star Wars?

(The demon shrugs off his shroud revealing himself to be none other than Horatio.)

HORATIO
I have wanted to say that FOREVER! Man that demon skin was itchy. I got your ear back. Maybe we can reattach it with some earwax.

ANDY
This is truly hell.

HORATIO
No, Hell's nine days' sailing from here. I rode in on a bolt of lightning myself. Overshot back into the underworld. Landed on the demon, which was lucky. Not for the demon. Barkeep! Stygian whiskey.

ANDY
Are you old enough to drink?

HORATIO
Ha. And one of whatever my friend here wants.

ANDY
We're not friends.

HORATIO
You're the only other living soul in Summerland. That makes us friends.

ANDY
Listen, Jar-Jar. All my friends are dead or in another dimension or both.

HORATIO
I knew we'd have stuff in common. Name's Horatio.

ANDY
Fuck off.

HORATIO
What is your problem?

ANDY
Look, don't think I don't know what this is. The sword, the, the whole shit eating grin, the banter? You're a hero, right? This is all some big adventure to you.

HORATIO
Well, yeah.

ANDY
That's how you think the world works when you're young. And then you can't keep your brother from getting the top of his head sawed off and you get your ass kicked by a guy in a bunny suit and you realize it's time to just rest and be done.

HORATIO
I heard that a lot, growing up.

ANDY
I'm serious. I used to go out looking for trouble, doing the man of mystery thing. Called myself the Vail. Battled supernatural ne'erdowells.

HORATIO
What happened?

ANDY
Fighting Aztec gods, time traveling bugs from the future, the fight got nasty. Part of me enjoyed that too much. Part of me didn't just want to shine a light into dark corners- it wanted to trample everything we saw there. I pushed that part of me away. Put it out of my mind.

HORATIO
Like Professor X and Onslaught.

ANDY
Are you speaking English?

HORATIO
That nasty part of you didn't stay put away.

ANDY
It calls itself the Ripper and it's killed I don't know how many people, wearing me like a cheap leisure suit.

HORATIO
And he sent you here.

(Andy makes a razor motion across his throat, with accompanying sound.)

HORATIO
Barkeep! Two more Stygians.

ANDY
It's better that I'm out of everyone's way. I couldn't save Michael, I couldn't save Nancy, I don't even know what happened to Henry. This is where I belong.

HORATIO
Have you looked outside? We're at the headwaters of the five rivers of the underworld. We’re talking rivers of tears and pain and fire. This is where the motherfuckers hang out who are so mean hell doesn’t want them. This is where a sin-eating sea monster the size of Newfoundland comes when it has the munchies! What's your name, stranger?

ANDY
It was Andy Vail.

HORATIO
Not Hitler McInfanticide?

ANDY
No.

HORATIO
Then you don't fucking belong here! And we have to get going.

ANDY
Why? Why not just let them have us?

HORATIO
Because I'm not dead. And neither are you. We hold the key to the greatest treasure of all, dammit! Life! And we’re not going to let some fish worshipping Pirates of the Caribbean castoffs walk us off a plank!

ANDY

If I was a member of the Boy Scouts of America I'da been really inspired.

HORATIO

It doesn't seem oddly convenient to you that two heroes who have died but aren't dead just happen to find each other in the most obscure of all underworlds.

ANDY

Oh, my jeez. You're right! Obviously we're supposed to team up, work together, and utilize our individual talents to beat the bad guys and save the day.

HORATIO

While also learning a lesson on how to be better heroes from each other. That's the point of a crossover.

ANDY

This isn’t a heroes journey! This is me getting wrecked in the septic tank of the universe while you talk my remaining ear off. I’m done.

HORATIO

Death is a luxury we don't get to enjoy, Andy. Death is the peaceful summer vacation we only get to watch from the schoolhouse windows of our over adventurous swashbuckling lives. Death is not for heroes.

ANDY

That’s not who I am anymore.

HORATIO
That’s a shame. Because I know a guy who’s got a soft spot for heroes. CHARON!

CHARON

By Cerberus’s sixfold nuts, can an old ferryman enjoy a moment’s peace?

HORATIO

I need a new drinking buddy. This one’s got a case of the sissies.

CHARON

Mine’s an Acheron Ale, shorty.

HORATIO
Two Acheron Ales. I’m buying. This demon was loaded.

CHARON

Pull up a stool.

HORATIO
Acheron, which river is…?

(He gulps his ale. His eyes widen. Veins stand out in his neck. He scrabbles at the bar for dear life, clutches his stomach, moans, manages to keep it down.)

HORATIO

River of pain, right.

CHARON
HO HO HA HA HAAAH! Cast iron stomach, my little Captain Heartbeat. Comes from an eternity of eating bladefish and sin scallops netted from Pluto’s dark.

(He slaps Horatio on the back, leaving Horatio visibly dizzy.)

HORATIO

Heh. Yeah. So speaking of heartbeats.

CHARON
I’m not ferrying you home.

HORATIO
You don’t even know I was going to ask that.

CHARON
It’s all anyone ever asks for. Keeps me in free drinks, excepting only the price of a lot of disappointed faces.

HORATIO
You used to do it all the time! Hercules, Aeneas, Orpheus, Dante…

CHARON
Hades took it all out of my hide! I don’t do free rides anymore.

HORATIO
I’ve got coin.

CHARON
Demon scrip. Only good for booze, and I’m already blessed with eternal wind in my three sheets, thank you.

HORATIO
Come on, Charon! We both know you can’t say no to a hero.

CHARON
Show me one and I’ll negotiate.

HORATIO
Dude. Magic sword. Demon skin. Quest through the underworld. Is there a hero box left unchecked?

CHARON
Hercules was atoning for the murder of his family. Aeneas sought counsel with his father. Orpheus quested for his lost love. Dante recorded the moral order of the universe.

(Charon’s eyes flash. He looks into Horatio’s soul.)

CHARON
You entered hell willingly to mock an old enemy and get a letter of recommendation.

HORATIO
Grad school’s competitive.

CHARON
I’ll tell you what I told Hercules. The line between hero and prick is a thin one, but it’s there. Thanks for the drink.

(Horatio returns to his seat by Andy, sits in a slump.)

ANDY
A letter of recommendation.

HORATIO
Shut up. Barkeep, two Lethe Lagers. Slainte, Vail.

(They drink.)

ANDY
Pbbbbt! Tastes like…a knife fight in a Jakarta dive. Coppery blood flavor. Aftertaste of stale peanuts. The fuck?

HORATIO
These babies are brewed downstream from the river of forgetfulness. You’re drinking the lost memories of the dead.

ANDY
I need a mint.

HORATIO
This one’s- phew- a housefire in Kyoto. Burning cat smell. Soba boiling in the pantry. Violent last memories bubble to the top.

ANDY
Why are we drinking this shit?

HORATIO
‘Cause a head full of angry, painful borrowed thoughts makes you might like a motherfucker. Drink up, Andy boy. We’ll be entertaining soon.

ANDY

Go get your kicks somewhere else, hero. I’m outta the biz.

(Andy gets up and sits at the bar, two seats down from Charon, to drink in silence and solitude. Charon eyes him again. Andy looks back at him, tired of being bothered.)

ANDY

I don’t know why you’re staring at me. I don’t swing that way, I’m not a hero, don’t try persuading me otherwise.

CHARON

Why would I waste my breath, mate? I’ve peered into your soul. Seen a whiny little boy, a lovelorn loser, and tiny shades of gray you actually think counts as a dark side. But there hasn’t been a hero there since your younger days.

ANDY

Thanks for the insults but what in damnation are you talking about?

CHARON

You don’t remember! HA! Now that’s what I call a hero, sailor! Twas your last day of the sixth year of grade school. You were gallivanting home with the youthful zeal reserved only for summertime when you came across your brother and his crew.

ANDY

You mean the day Mike kicked my ass and fractured my arm just for irritating him.

CHARON

I’d be irritated as well if you’d fastballed a stone into my face! About as subtle as a bacchanal of Amazons but it did the trick. He had that scar for the rest of his days and the boys forgot all about that puppy. It lived, by the way. A long, full, doggy life that earned it a place beside the hounds of Arawn in the Great Hunt.

ANDY

How do I not remember that?

CHARON

Truly heroic acts are rarely memorable. They are done by men who can see no other course of action and when they are finished the things they have changed seem more like they have always been that way. A true hero moves mountains but leaves no footprints in his wake.

ANDY

Is that some ancient Greek proverb?

CHARON

No, that’s from Kung Fu. The movie with David Carradine. If you can grab the stone from my hand, grasshopper. That one.

(Andy goes to drink but finds his mug his empty. Charon slides him a shot.)

CHARON

Try a shot of Phlegison’s, crusader. Puts fire in the blood.

(With a loud crash the damned pirates roll a large cannon through the tavern door. Kidd cuts a rope by the door and a net drops on top of Andy.)

KIDD

I netted me a big’un, Ed!

(Horatio jumps from his seat, drawing Excalibur, and then they fire a cannonball directly into his gut. He is thrown back against the wall, dropping Excalibur. Cossa runs for the blade.)

TEACH

Mine!

(Teach pulls out his flint and literally shoots Cossa’s brains out. Then he strolls to the great sword and picks it up. Horatio tries to breathe.)

TEACH

I knew you weren’t a demon when I’d recognized Excalibur hanging off yer waist! It’s been a while since I’ve held her.

(Cossa stands up, a gory hole in his head. The other men wait for their orders.)

TEACH

HA! The hole in yer faces matches the empty space in yer skull, unholy man!

(The pirates laugh boisterously. They all stop when Teach does.)

HORATIO

Did you just shoot me with a cannon?

TEACH
Summerland, matey. What doesn’t kill you-

(He kicks Horatio in the jaw.)

TEACH
-hurts! As you’re about to learn. Hold him.

(All of the men grab Horatio and stand him up. He wheezes a bit.)

TEACH

You know the blade of Excalibur is sharp enough to split reality itself in twain. Once knew a fellow pirate who’d use it to visit a strange land he swore never, never existed. Hid his treasure there. He was done in by a saltwater crocodile and some gay ginger kid.

BART

You’re rambling, Teach!

TEACH

We’re cutting our way outta Davy Jone’s locker, men!

BART

Let’s take back the high seas!

KIDD

Feel the spray of a living ocean!

LOW

Feel the touch of a woman!

COSSA

Feel whatever we’d like!

TEACH

That’s right, you scurvy seadogs! We’re taking our lives back! But first we’re gonna mince up our Danish dandy as a parting gift for the Great Beast that Ever Drinks!

(The men cheer once more. Andy looks to Charon.)

CHARON

Don’t look at me, son. I don’t give a Finnish fuck.

ANDY

Balls! Can’t a hero just ever die.

(Andy sighs once then downs the shot. His blood seems to boil and he spits out a jet of flame which burns the net to cinders. He quickly hops atop the bar then beams Teach with the empty shot glass. All the men look at him.)

KIDD

It’s the unliving!

TEACH

You insult me still, breathing boy! This blade can slice the hairs on your balls in two.

ANDY

You must have used it on yourself, you neutered dogfish. I’ve seen barnacles with more balls than you.

(Teach swings at Andy. Andy jumps over the blade, grabs a rope from the ceiling, and swings toward the other pirates. They all let go of Horatio and rush toward Andy which is a big mistake. His heels plant firmly into the chest of one of them which he pushes into the other three. They fall down like a bunch of stooges. Andy helps steady Horatio.)

HORATIO

Wondered when you’d join in. They shot with me a cannon.

(Teach turns and swings at them. They both duck the blade and roll. Then they rush over to the wall where two rusty swords are nailed. They rip them off and turn to the pirates. Teach leads the way with Excalibur while the other four stand with their own weapons drawn.)

HORATIO

I’ll be wanting my sword back.

TEACH

You can unsheathe it from your guts when I’m done!

(The two sides rush forward and swashbuckling begins. Horatio simultaneously fends off Bart, Kidd, and Teach. Their swords clash against one another with a graceful speed. Andy jumps onto one of the tables and kicks Cossa in the mouth. Low sneaks up behind Andy to stab him in the shins. Andy donkey kicks him in the throat then leaps onto Teach’s back. Teach flails around and starts hammering his back against the tavern walls. Charon is laughing heartily now. Horatio does a quick dodge and watches as Kidd and Bart impale each other with their swords. Then he pushes them over. Low sneaks over to the canon, leering. Cossa regains his feet and launches himself at Horatio who clotheslines him. Andy looks like he’s gonna barf. Finally, Teach flips Andy over his back and pile drives him into the ground. Andy rolls about on the floor as Teach tries to skewer him. Cossa grabs Horatio by the soft parts, jumps up and gets him in a stranglehold. Low laughs as he lights the cannon for another shot. Horatio gasps, reverse-headbutts Cossa and rolls out of the way. Cossa, Bart, and Kidd have enough time to gawk at the canon before it fires, knocking all of them over into a pile. Charon is almost in tears now. Teach gapes. Andy grabs him by the beard, pulls him down, and clocks him in the mouth with a heavy pewter mug. Horatio takes one aggressive step towards Low, who runs screaming out the door.)

HORATIO
That’s what I thought!

(Teach has his back to the bar. He brandishes Excalibur, snaps his fingers, and sets his beard afire with the devilish flame that springs from his fingertips.)

TEACH
Come on, then! Step forward and live forever as sashimi!

(Charon passes him a bottle.)

CHARON
Grog for courage, Teach.

TEACH
Aye.

(He gulps the drink down. Sniffles. His bottom lip starts to quiver.)

TEACH
River of Tears?

CHARON
Aye.

TEACH
Charon, you sea serpent.

(He wails openly.)

TEACH

Oh, Mrs. Teach, why’d I ever leave you behind to sail the briney?

HORATIO
‘Cause you’re a thieving blaggard-

ANDY
-who sets his own face on fire.

(They both punch him at once. He flies over the bar and out of sight. Excalibur flies into the air and falls, handle first. Horatio catches it.)

CHARON
Now, hearties, you know something about being a hero.

HORATIO

It’s about being true to yourself.

ANDY
It’s about risking it all for others.

CHARON
Seabiscuits! It’s about entertaining me! There’s room aboard my ferry for the likes of you!

HORATIO
Yes!

ANDY
Fo’ shizzle!

CHARON
What’ve you got?

HORATIO
I thought…because we were heroes…

CHARON
You get the hero discount. If Pluto catches me trafficking again I’ll be sponge-bathing Minos until Hades freezes over. Make it worth my while. Could you part with that handsome blade?

HORATIO
Someone needs this back, like, yesterday. Andy?

ANDY
Hot dog?

CHARON
You break an old oarsman’s heart, boys.

HORATIO
Wait…I don’t suppose you’d be interested in a full skin of mead?

CHARON
Real mead?

HORATIO
From Valhalla.

CHARON
I’ve not tasted mead in twelve centuries. Many a man in my ferry would row himself mad for a sip of the gods’ honey-brew.

HORATIO
That’s a yes, then?

CHARON
I’ve room for one of you.

ANDY
That’s all we have!

CHARON
Room for one is all I have.

HORATIO
Come on, man, we know you bend whatever-

CHARON
Minos. Sponge bath. Eternity. Room for one. If you’ve any baggage, I’m about ready to shove off.

ANDY

Only one of us is getting on that boat.

(Horatio turns en garde on Andy.)

HORATIO
Andy… May the best man win.

ANDY
He already has. You’ve got more adventures waiting for you up there. Go for it. I’ll be okay.

(There is a cacophonous roar from outside. Andy runs to the door and looks then turns back to Horatio.)

ANDY

It looks as if the entirety of the literally damned Spanish Armada has a score to settle. Time to set sail, Horatio. I’ll hold them off as long as I can.

HORATIO

Hey, you’re supposed to fight me for the right to live! I have at least three ghostly best friends who woulda tore me an ethereal asshole by now!

ANDY

If you don’t shake a fucking stick and move it, you’re gonna be dealing with a lot of assholes!

HORATIO

God dammit! Why do you hafta be so nice?

(Horatio knocks Andy out with the hilt of Excalibur.)

HORATIO
Strong wind and fair sailing, Andy Vail. Take good care of him.

CHARON
Hope for you yet, matey. Are you gonna be alright?

HORATIO

Know what? I think I will. You? Leviathan’s gonna be hungry.

CHARON

Are you kidding? My ship could sail the whole of Styx in less than fifteen parsecs.

(Charon hauls Andy easily onto his shoulder.)

HORATIO
Tell me one thing. I’ve never seen a less summery place in my life. Why’s it called Summerland?

CHARON
Tourism.

(Horatio stares at him. Charon laughs long and loud and walks out, towards the sound of the waves. Horatio turns back to the angry sound rushing towards the doorway.)

HORATIO

Best crossover ever.

(The End.)

The Ripper: London Fog (Loose Ends)

That's right, bitches! Andy Vail is out of the picture and all that's left is his bad ass mother fucking alter ego, the Ripper. Does it get any better than this. So, this week marks the first ever episode of The Ripper. And it starts in the only place it could start,w ith the Ripper doing his best to tie up all of Andy Vail's loose ends.

The Ripper: London Fog

by Joey Pettine

Loose Ends

(A dimly lit motel room. The sound of a shower running offstage. THE RIPPER enters quietly in his trademark black London Fog trench coat and bowler hat. He begins to peer around the room, quietly looking through the drawers and things. He finds the bag and looks through that as well. He pulls a few pictures and notebooks out of there and skims through them. The shower stops. He puts down the items and takes off his coat, then his hat, laying them on the bed. He faces NANCY VAIL as she enters, a towel wrapped around her body.)

NANCY

Andy.

RIPPER

More or less. How are you feeling? Last time I saw, you were in a coma.

NANCY

Last time I saw, you were ready to kill a man.

RIPPER

I've killed many men since then and they've all deserved it. Especially mike.

(Silence. They stare at each other with a loving hate.)

RIPPER

I'm sorry for what happened to you, Nancy. And I'm even sorry for what happened to Mike. But that doesn't matter because you've become a monster like me. Manipulating others. Planning to kill me. It's okay. I deserve to die. But I'm not gonna let you kill me. So I've come to kill you.

(He sits on the bed and pats the seat beside him. She stares, not trying to escape, then sits next to him, looking away. He brushes the hair from her face and goes to kiss her. She pulls away. He pauses then places both hands upon her cheeks, staying her as he kisses her forehead. Then his hand find their way over her mouth and nostrils, holding her against him. She struggles, getting more desperate with each second, smacking him hard over his head and chest. The struggle grows weaker by the second and then she stops. He lays her down then stands. He puts his coat and hat back on. The lights fade to black. Brief silence. Lights come back up on a similar motel room, the furniture rearranged a bit differently. DETECTIVE WILLIAMS enters. He is sickly and weak. He looks emaciated and his skin is pale. Every motion he takes seems to be fueled by utter pain. He takes off his coat and his gun, placing them on the bed. As he sits, Ripper comes up behind him and takes the gun from the bed. Then Ripper takes a seat across from him.)

RIPPER

I'd like to talk with you.

WILLIAMS

I'd like to shoot you.

RIPPER

You've had your share of chances. A bullet in my brain should have been easy for you.

WILLIAMS

Pulling the trigger should never be easy.

RIPPER

You had to be sure.

WILLIAMS

I'm a man of the law, not a mercenary.

RIPPER

You are a man of impeccable integrity and I have more respect for you than you will ever allow yourself to believe. I have to know. What is it?

WILLIAMS

A brain tumor the size of an ostrich egg, I'm told. Extremely malicious. My life has become a twenty four hour migraine because of it.

RIPPER

How long do you have?

WILLIAMS

I expect the cancer to crack open my skull and come crawling out any day now.

RIPPER

I'm sorry. I can't be sure I have anything to do with your condition but so many people die around me I've begun assuming they're all my fault.

WILLIAMS

I blame you. You're as dangerous as the cancer in my brain and I'd be doing the world a favor by killing you.

RIPPER

You're probably right but I'll keep the gun for now anyway. I called your partner. He's coming for you.

WILLIAMS

He would have found me anyway.

RIPPER

I want to tell you the truth, you deserve that. I killed my brother. I wasn't the first to do it, as little sense as that makes, but I did murder him. I also set fire to that drug dealer, murdered those college kids, and there have been others you don't know about. They all deserved to die if that makes it better.

WILLIAMS

How could it?

RIPPER

That's all the truth there is, Detective. You never gave up on what you knew was right.

WILLIAMS

Fat lot of good it did me.

RIPPER

I can't make you but I hope you go home to your family now.

(Ripper stands and goes, tossing the gun back on the bed before exiting. Fade to black. Fade to black. Lights come up on a similar motel room, furniture rearranged a bit differently. Ripper stands center stage cleaning the blood from his knife, surrounding him are more than half a dozen dead and mutilated bodies. Blood cakes everything and a few spots on the wall have archaic symbols written in the blood. He looks around, seems a bit disappointed, then exits. Offstage, there is a heavy whacking sound and Ripper comes flying back into the room, tumbling over himself. He quickly hops back onto his feet, wielding his weapon almost like a fencer would handle a foil. INSPECTOR CORDEAUXN enters, wielding a beautiful Spanish rapier. Along his throat and wrists are long, noticeable scars. He looks at Ripper with pure hatred.)

RIPPER

I was wondering when you'd show. Killed this lot half an hour ago and the spell is supposed to work in less than fifteen. Still, I guess you had to come across town or something.

(Cordeaux attacks Ripper who dodges the swift motions of the blade and manages to perry a few thrusts with his knife.)

RIPPER

I promise you these were all bad men. Terrorists, actually, so that makes it okay.

(This time Cordeaux comes across with a wide swing, Ripper rolls out of the way.)

RIPPER

I see. You're still upset about me cutting your throat and leaving you the bleed out. But it all worked out for the best. I knew you'd survive. How'd you do it anyway? Break into a hospital and steal all the IVs.

(Cordeaux rushes at Ripper with blinding speed, the blade flashing across the air. Ripper doges what he can, his coat flapping in the air, and his knife blocking what attacks he can manage. Cordeaux, getting angrier by the moment, comes in with a downward swing. Ripper averts the attack and slashes his knife deep across Cordeaux's knuckles. Cordeaux drops the blade and Ripper tackles him, driving his shoulder into him. He manages to slam him up against the wall and then impales his arm to it. Cordeaux opens his mouth in a silent scream, his face contorting but no sound coming forth, as he tries with all his might to pull the knife out of him and free himself from the wall. Ripper picks up the beautiful rapier.)

RIPPER

I'm really glad I was able to cut your vocal chords when I slit your throat. I bet you'd be screaming like a major bitch right now. Nice weapon, by the way. Get this during the crusades?

(Ripper gasps and turns attentively behind him.)

RIPPER

I have a confession to make. I didn't actually know you survived until you showed up here. The spell is just this generic vampire magnet thing, it's supposed to draw any vampire to it within a thousand miles. I'm glad you came first, though. This beautiful piece of steel will help. It really is beautiful by the way. Hand crafted? Who'm I kidding, of course it's hand crafted. The Gilles de Rais would have no less. Right?

(Ripper shudders.)

RIPPER

Holy fuck this guy is powerful. I may have overestimated myself. If I unimpale you, do you promise not to attack me?

(Cordeaux flips him off.)

RIPPER

Fine, stay that way. Oh, fuck!

(BLOOD enters. He is wearing the same clothes as before except now they are entirely red with blood.)

BLOOD

You have summoned me with a juvenile magician's spell and force me to interrupt important actions.

RIPPER

What actions are they? Stealing some more tattoos, killing some more vampires.

BLOOD

You know nothing of vampires.

RIPPER

I've killed a few.

BLOOD

I've birthed them all, my disgraceful children.

RIPPER

Hear that, Baron. Daddy's disappointed in you.

BLOOD

This world is a disappointment. I was promised all that life could offer me and instead I have received only death.

RIPPER

That's because you invented it.

BLOOD

I am the father of murder, not death.

RIPPER

Got it, right, the father of murder and vampires. Now come here so I can kill you.

(Ripper rushes at Blood with the blade spinning with wild fury. Blood grabs a cadaver off the floor and tosses it at Ripper. The body impales onto the sword and knocks Ripper to the ground. Blood grabs the body again and pulls it off Ripper, the sword comes with the body. Ripper, unarmed, is hoisted into the air by Blood.)

BLOOD

I have seen true vampires, the crimson eyed demons that sleep beneath this world. I have seen the mother as she feasts upon the faces of her children. I have seen lovers gnaw at the flesh of the breast and pull the still beating heart from their beloved. I have seen the infant slither from the womb, buzzing like vermin, thirsting only for the red of mother's milk. And I am not impressed by you, human.

(Blood digs his teeth into Ripper's shoulder. Ripper screams as the flesh tears open and blood sprays forth. Cordeaux finally pulls the knife from his arm and launches himself across the room, landing on Blood's back and stabbing him in the base of his neck. Blood screams and throws Ripper across the room like a rag doll. Ripper crashes through the wall, spraying pieces of plaster. Blood manages to grab Cordeaux's arm and flips him off his back. With a snap, Cordeaux's arm is broken. Cordeaux releases another silent scream. Ripper rushes back in the room, pulling the sword from the corpse on the way. He runs at Blood who simply moves Cordeaux in the way. Ripper impales Cordeaux through the throat. Ripper pulls the sword out and Cordeaux once again clutches his throat as the life blood pours out. Ripper tries once more to hit Blood but blood grabs Ripper's wrist and breaks that as well. Ripper drops the sword, Blood picks it up and quickly impales Ripper through the thigh and to the floor. Cordeaux then clings to Blood's leg, bitng into his ankle and beginning to feed. Blood roars with disgust and pries Cordeaux off by the hair. Ripper has already pulled the sword out of his leg and stands to fight, a little wobbly. Blood stares at Ripper, holding Cordeaux's hair as he bleeds out.)

RIPPER

You cannot kill me.

(Ripper, dejected, lowers the sword, dropping it to the floor.)

RIPPER

I hate to admit it. But when you're right, you're right. I'm gonna have to pull a Batman. Limp off and find a better strategy to end you. Doc, the C4!

(DR. RANDOLF enters with a ball of plastic attached to some wires. Blood lets go of Cordeaux and walks toward Randolf. Ripper grabs Cordeaux and they help each other limp offstage. Randolf tosses the ball to Blood and runs off stage. There is a blinding, sparking, dusty explosion. Within the smoke, Blood can be seen lying on the floor amongst the other bodies. Then his smoking corpse moves and he stands, furious. He roars and the lights blackout in fear.)

The Vail: London Fog (Episode Ten: What Fools)

This week is a very special week. This is not only one of the longest Vails ever written but this week changes everything in the Vail. Also, this week marks part two of my three part Horatioverse crossover. Last week we saw the Horatioverse invade the Vail, this week we see the Vail invade the Horatioverse, and next week will be the thrilling conlusion that is going to blow your swashbuckling minds. So, I hope you all enjoy this week and I can't wait to see what you think.

The Vail: London Fog
By Joey Pettine

Episode Ten: What Fools

(A magical midsummer's eve deep within the dark Forest of Dean. Three college students have built a campfire inside a clearing delineated by a large, unbroken ring of mushrooms. Outside the clearing, the black forest sways and creaks around them. Wild animals and strange noises echo within the forest. Two of the students, PEACE, a petite girl with long hair and a baggy tye dyed shirt, and DEE, a bulkier man in a college football jersey with yellowish-orange dyed hair, eagerly make out. WEBB, a thin man in glasses cooking a hot dog over the flames, jeers as they ignore him.)

WEBB
Lovely night, wouldn’t you say?

(They ignore him.)

WEBB
Mmm. Nothing I love more than a hot wiener in my mouth, especially when it gets all shriveled on the ends.

(He chuckles like a goof but they still ignore him.)

WEBB
You know a murderer lives in this forest?

(Peace stops, her eyes wide. Dee bows his head in defeat and sneers at Webb who smiles almost mischievously.)

PEACE
Are you serious? No lie?

DEE
Don’t play his games. It’s all bullshit.

WEBB
It's not bullshit. The Bunny Man is real. Might be watching us this very moment so I'd show some respect. Or else.

DEE
Or else what?

WEBB
Or else--

(ANDY VAIL comes crashing out of the forest. Leaves and twigs cling to his body, his clothes are torn in some places and blood red scratches decorate his skin. The students scream in terror.)

ANDY
Holy shit!

PEACE
Is that the the Bunny Man?

ANDY
The trees were fucking grabbing at me! The trees!

(Andy doubles over and barfs. The students look disgusted.)

ANDY
Oh, God. It's like getting launched out of a catapult by your balls.

(Andy stays on all fours, bowing his head toward the ground, his eyes closed. He slowly breathes in and out; long, deep, meditative breaths.)

PEACE
He doesn't look like a bunny. He doesn't have floppy ears or a poof ball tail.

DEE
What's he doing?

WEBB
I think he's meditating.

DEE
Or recharging so he can turn back into the Bunny Man! We should kill him.

ANDY
Please don't. I just need a second.

DEE
He heard us. It's those bunny ears.

WEBB
I don't think he's the Bunny Man.

DEE
Of course he is.


PEACE
So he's some sort of were-rabbit?

WEBB
No.

DEE
Not exactly, he used to work at this genetics lab where they did nuclear tests on rabbits.

PEACE
Oh, Lord. Nuclear bunnies?

DEE
And he got caught in a horrible explosion.

PEACE
A bunny explosion?

WEBB
What are you on about? That's not the Bunny Man, that's the Goat Man.

PEACE
There's a Goat Man and a Bunny Man?

DEE
And a Moth Man.

PEACE
Which one is he?

ANDY
For the love of God, I am not an animal, I am a human being. The... Bunny Man took my... my friend and I'm trying to find them but...

(Andy stands upright and takes deep breaths of the air, his eyes closed, turning in a circle.)

DEE
He's turning into the Bunny Man!

ANDY
I'm not the fucking Bunny Man! I'm... new to this dimension and I'm trying to find... them. But... This is Shakespeare Land, right?



PEACE
No, this is the Forest of Dean. In London. Shakespeare Land is in Florida. And I think they just opened another in California.

DEE
There's one in France, too. Me and Robin went last year. Spent all day in Hamlet Hollow riding the Pirates of Denmark ride. Wicked good.

WEBB
Are you trying to smell them?

ANDY
I can sense things... usually. There's just so much here. It's... it's-it's... fucking confusing. Everything feels musty and dusty like... like...

WEBB
Like an attic?

ANDY
Yeah! It's like... mothballs and cobwebs except there are flowers in the cobwebs. These beautiful, enchanting, aromatic things that waft into your nose, reach down your gullet, and tug at your heart. It's so fresh and alive.

DEE
Fresh but dusty?

ANDY
It smells like the full moon. This whole forest smells like the full moon.

(Andy breathes deep again.)

ANDY
Are those hot dogs? I could use a hot dog.

WEBB
Help yourself.

(Andy sits next to Webb and grabs the pack.)

ANDY
Is there mustard?

DEE
No. No mustard.


ANDY
Really? I could swear I smell mustard.

(Andy begins to put a dog on a stick but finds himself staring longingly at the dog. He licks his lips, kinda shrugs, then hesitantly bites into it raw. He seems to be expecting something disgusting but his shockingly pleased face and the sounds he makes while chewing show he is clearly enjoying the meat. He finishes one dog then grabs another.)

ANDY
These are the best hot dogs ever.

(He grabs another and quickly starts devouring that.)

WEBB
You really love those dogs.

DEE
You wanna marry those dogs?

PEACE
I think someone had a few too many drops of the magical flower.

(She pantomimes smoking weed and smirks. Andy is more than halfway through the pack now.)

ANDY
So this is an enchanted forest?

DEE
Not really.

PEACE
Although there was that incident with the Potter kid.

WEBB
That's just a made up story. There's no magic in these woods. Just dinosaurs.

DEE
Alien dinosaurs.

PEACE
Alien dinosaurs? Now you're making stuff up.

WEBB
Nope, he's right. Alien dinosaurs.

(Andy finishes off the pack, smacking his lips and licking his fingertips. After he finishes in one final, loud gulp, he seems to notice something and stares strangely, closely, at Dee’s ears.)

ANDY
What's with your ears?

WEBB
You don't look so good.

(Andy makes an unpleasant face.)

ANDY
You know, now that you mention it. I don't feel so good. I think I ate too many hot dogs. Aw, jeez. Okay. I need to find the Bunny Man. What do you know about him?

PEACE
Story time.

WEBB
Not far from here is an old, run down asylum. Hasn't been used since 1964 when they went bankrupt and let all the patients go.

PEACE
Baloney.

WEBB
It's the truth. Nowhere to send these men and most of them weren't dangerous enough for prison.

DEE
So they were released into the wild, sent back to nature.

PEACE
In this forest?

WEBB
This very one. But, like I said, there was nothing to worry about since most of them were harmless. All except one.

DEE
The Bunny Man.

WEBB
He’d been institutionalized for killing bunnies and hanging their carcasses all over the neighborhoods but what they never knew, until it was too late, was that he’d murdered his wife and children with a hatchet. And they let him out. He came to know these woods like the back of his hands, able to traverse even the most dangerous of paths in the dead of the blackest night, and to this day he roams the forests of Dean, searching for hapless campers who just can't HACK IT!!

(Peace screams and the boys laugh. Andy seems out of it, clutching his stomach, staring at the ground like a bad drunk.)

PEACE
You're an ass, Webber.

DEE
That was pretty funny, though.

PEACE
You're an ass too.

WEBB
It was just a joke, Peace. The Bunny Man isn't real.

(There is a strange hollow noise and Dee goes cross eyed. He bobs there for a second then falls forward, dead, a hatchet buried in the back of his head. Everyone screams, Andy gasps and tries to stand up, but the pain in his stomach doubles him over again. Then a hand comes out of the dark and seizes the hatchet. It pulls and Dee's body is pulled up with it. Finally, with a sickening sloppy sound, the hatchet pulls out of the skull and Dee drops back onto his face. Andy, finally managing to stand, and the others huddle in the middle of the clearing, trying to watch all sides.)

WEBB
It's him! The Bunny Man's real!

ANDY
It's okay. I can save you guys. I'm a hero.

(With a tittering laugh, THE BUNNY MAN jumps fully into the circle, swinging for Andy.)

WEBB
NO!

(Webb pushes Andy out of the way, knocking him back to the ground, and the hatchet buries into Webb’s shoulder. He screams as the Bunny Man quickly dispatches of him, repeatedly swinging the blade until he is nothing more than a bloody mess of flesh. Andy tries to get up but can only make it to his knees.)


ANDY
No! I'm the hero! I'm supposed to be the hero!

(Andy can't get up and Peace just stands there frozen. The Bunny Man grabs her long hair and pulls her head back, exposing her neck. He smiles, Peace breathes rapidly.)

PEACE
Please, help me.

BUNNY MAN
Some hero you are.

(He delivers one quick chop to Peace's neck. She holds the wound as blood gushes out and she bleeds to death. Andy watches helplessly, wide eyed and wobbling.)

BUNNY MAN
By the way, I'm not actually a bunny. I'm a moth.

(He runs out of the clearing, howling laughter. Andy doesn't look like he can stay upright much longer. Suddenly, DR. RANDOLF comes crashing into the clearing. He looks as rough and tough as he did before. He sees Andy then he sees the massacre.)

DR. RANDOLF
Andy? What happened here?

ANDY
I'm not a hero, Doc.

(Andy finally passes out, crumpling into a useless pile. Dr. Randolf runs to him and checks him over, looking into his eyes.)

DR. RANDOLF
Goddammit! What did you eat?

(The three corpses can't take it any longer and begin to laugh. Dr. Randolf looks at all of them, not as surprised as one would think. Now the laughter becomes a howling raucous and they can't take it any more. The dead students get up, still laughing, and each pulls a handkerchief from out of thin air. They continue to laugh as they wipe the mortal wounds from their bodies.)

DEE
That may very well be the best prank ever played on any mortal ever!

WEBB
I would have to agree.
PEACE
Ditto. Robin can go puck himself.

(They high five, big grins.)

DR. RANDOLF
You assholes.

PEACE
Name's Peace. Peace Blossom. Kind of a hippy name, I know, but it has a nice ring, I think.

DEE
Mr. Dee Seed, at your service. Master of tears and jeers.

WEBB
Webber, here. First name: Cobb. And our murdering maniac is—

BUNNY MAN
Moth. Call me Moth.

(The Bunny man reenters.)

DR. RANDOLF
You're fairies.

DEE
What gave it away? The fact that we were meeting in a fucking fairy roundel!

DR. RANDOLF
You're pathetic fairies. He's been poisoned. Godlike powers and the best you can do is slip him a supernatural roofy.

WEBB
We did a lot more than that, Doc.

PEACE
We made him fall madly in love with a package of hot dogs.

DEE
We made him smell mustard when there was none.

BUNNY MAN
We drove him to the precipice of insanity and forced him to peer into the depressing depths of his own doubt, turning Andy Vail from a multidimensional hero to a simpering, quivering pile of spaghetti.
DEE
Not bad for a couple of fairies.

DR. RANDOLF
You fucking idiots. You actually think this was your idea. Superhuman beings capable of turning dead leaves into hundred dollar bills, capable of convincing kings and emperors to give up their first born children, and you can't even tell when you've been conned. Why did you kidnap me to let me go? Why’d it take four of you to trick one mere mortal? Why did you even bother?

WEBB
Don't try to question the whims and desires of the fae. We do as we please.

PEACE
We can boil the oceans and conjure cyclones as tall as skyscrapers.

DEE
We've fed the children of presidents to ogres simply because we were bored.

MOTH
We could turn your brain to spirits and drink the wine as it ran from your ears.

DR. RANDOLF
And someone played you at your own game. There is an evil out there, beyond the worlds, far greater than you could possibly imagine. It has no form, no limits; I've seen it devour whole universes into its black, gaping belly just to get a little closer to Andy Vail.

MOTH
We make our own decisions! No one fools us unless we wish it so!

DR. RANDOLF
You sure? Cause I once heard a very interesting story about a fairy queen who spent the night with a real jackass. Maybe something’s made jackasses of you. And Andy paid for it.

RIPPER
I wouldn't worry about a few turned dogs, Doc.

(Andy's crumpled body stands up and smiles but the eyes behind the face belong to no other than the RIPPER.)

RIPPER
I’ve had much worse in my system.

(Now it is time for the fairies to look confused and worried. The Bunny Man yells in anger and swings the hatchet over his head at the Ripper. The Ripper sidesteps the swing and catches the hatchet by the handle, yanking it from the Bunny Man's grasp. The Ripper quickly turns the momentum into his own attack and buries the hatchet into the Bunny Man's hamstrings. The man in the bunny suit falls to his knees and Ripper grunts as he buries the hatchet into the other set of hamstrings just to be sure. Everyone watches him, afraid to approach or even speak.)

RIPPER
Nice weapon. Sturdy wooden hilt, sharp steel blade. Isn't steel like kryptonite to you guys?

(Dee tries to run. The Ripper screams with mad rage and pounces on Dee, burying the hatchet in his face over and over again until Dee stops screaming.)

RIPPER
I'll take that as a yes. One of the few things that can kill you and you're carrying it around. How stupid can you get?

WEBB
See me not.

(Webb throws some glitter into the air and starts to prance away. Ripper crows like a rooster and all the fairies clutch their ears. In one fluid motion, Ripper brings the hatchet across Webb's face. There is a snap as his neck twists and he drops dead. Now Peace tries to run.)

RIPPER
Peaseblossom, stop!

(She does.)

RIPPER
Turn around, Peasblossom, darling.

(She does so, trembling. Ripper smiles and makes a “come here” motion with his finger.)

RIPPER
Peeeeeeeeasblossom.

(Her legs carry her to him against her will. He leans in close as if he’s gonna kiss her.)

RIPPER
You should never tell anyone your real name. It gives them power over you. And Peace was a shitty alias.

(He grabs her air and twists her head back again, exposing her neck once more.)

RIPPER
Wanna hear something funny? I don't even believe in fairies.

(Peace suddenly gasps as if all the air has been sucked out of her lungs. Her eyes roll over and she also drops dead.)

RIPPER
Ha! Look at that, it worked. If I clap, will she come back?

BUNNY MAN
We didn't know.

RIPPER
Ignorance is never an excuse.

(Ripper brings the hatchet high above his head, falters, then drops the weapon.)

RIPPER
I do have one question for you. What’s with the bunny suit?

BUNNY MAN
I'm supposed to be a Moth.

RIPPER
Oh. Right. I could see that.

(Ripper pulls a scalpel from his boot and savors the kill as he slashes the Bunny Man's throat with it. Then he smiles at his scalpel and kisses it.)

RIPPER
You're the best, baby. I could never give you the axe.

DR. RANDOLF
You're not Andy Vail.

RIPPER
I’m better.

DR. RANDOLF
Does he know you exist?

RIPPER
He has an idea.

DR. RANDOLF
Do I call you Vail Too?

RIPPER
Call me the Ripper. Everyone else does.

DR. RANDOLF
What do you want?

RIPPER
I'm on your side, Doc. For now. You have information I need. But, I'm in no rush. Why don’t we head back to my apartment, grab a cuppa. It's only one dimension over.

DR. RANDOLF
Is Andy still in there?

RIPPER
Look, you wanna play twenty questions, let's get out of the damn enchanted forest. Then I'll tell you everything I know. You'll tell me everything you know. It'll be like a Barbara Walters special.

DR. RANDOLF
Fair enough. But you go first.

RIPPER
You don't trust me?

DR. RANDOLF
Not in the least. And I didn't spend ten years dimension jumping just to get stabbed in the back by a schizophrenic.

(The Ripper does a quick turn and slashes the top of Randolf's hand, then he quickly pops Randolf in the nose, and finishes it by pressing the blade of the scalpel firmly against Randolf's jugular.)

RIPPER
I am not one of Vail's pathetic fucking personality traits! I am my own man, Doc, and I’m not entirely convinced of your worth. So maybe you should save the bravado for someone less homicidal.

(Silence. Ripper releases Andy.)

RIPPER
Now let's go. It's chilly and I left my coat in my other dimension.

(Ripper returns the scalpel to his boot then picks up the hatchet again.)
RIPPER
I'll go first. There's a few trees who need to learn a lesson about keeping their hands to themselves.

(Black out but the sounds of the forest still prevail. Finally, they die out, and the lights come back up to reveal the stage has been split in half. One half of the stage is still dark, on the other half, Andy Vail lies in an unkempt bed. Dr. Randolf sits in a chair next to him, looking concerned but patient. Center stag, sitting profile, is a dresser with a stool to sit on and a large mirror on top. Andy groans and wakes. He sees Randolf, sees where he is, then seems confused.)

ANDY
Good God, dimension hopping is a mind fuck. You did it for ten years? I don’t even remember coming back.

DR. RANDOLF
What do you remember?

ANDY
Well, I went through the door, after you. I was in a fucking forest. Trees attacked me. I found… kids around a campfire and they… gave me hot dogs?

DR. RANDOLF
They were fairies, you were poisoned.

ANDY
I like you, Doc, you get to the point.

DR. RANDOLF
Do you remember anything after that?

ANDY
No. Should I?

DR. RANDOLF
Nothing? No dreams?

ANDY
What’s your point, Doc?

DR. RANDOLF
How long have you been having nightmares? How long have you been ignoring them?

ANDY
What happened?

DR. RANDOLF
The forest, the fairies. That was over a week ago.

ANDY
What?! I’ve been out for a week! I can’t be out for a week! There’s a Goddamn primeval ubervampire on a killing spree, not to mention a number of detectives out to get me, and—

DR. RANDOLF
You need to listen to me. You haven’t been out for a week.

ANDY
What the hell are you talking about?

DR. RANDOLF
There's a letter on the dresser. I was told it’s for your eyes only.

ANDY
What the hell are you talking about?!

(Dr. Randolf gets up to leave the room. He stops in the doorway.)

DR. RANDOLF
I hope you’re still here when I return. I’d much rather save this world with you.

(He exits. Andy seems confused and a bit scared. Lights come up on the other half of the stage revealing a mirror image on Andy’s room. There is a man, though his face is hard to see, laying exactly as Andy is. Hesitantly, cautiously, Andy finally leaves the bed. So does mirror Andy. Together, mirror images, the two Andys slowly, like scared children, approach the dresser and sit down, profile to the audience. The two Andys inspect the letter then take a second to look into the mirror, effectively looking at each other. They both take a second to inspect their faces, grunting a grunt of weariness and apprehension. Then they turn their attention back to the letter and open it. Together, they read. At first, as he reads, he is simply going through the words, but by the end, his voice has become gravelly, harsh, like that of the Ripper, and he reads with an almost cheerful jaunt to his voice.)

ANDY
Hello, Andrew. We’ve never been properly introduced before, technically we’ve never even met, but I’ve known you my entire life. This should come as no surprise since you conceived me. But you could never handle me. Not for long. You didn’t even like me. You looked into the heart of yourself, into the heart of your creation, and you ran. Of course, you can’t really run from yourself, can you? You can’t hide from the bastard who lives inside your head! Ask yourself, Andrew, is this really that much of a bolt from the blue?
(Andrew throws down the letter but mirror Andrew gently places it down, they are no longer in sync. Mirror Andrew smiles eerily at Andrew. Andrew seems to do everything except look into the face in the mirror, the face that does not seem to be his own. When Andy and the Ripper speak, both versions of Andy speak simultaneously but they speak gruffer with Ripper and more fearful with Andy.)

ANDY
What the hell is this?

RIPPER
I thought I made it very clear. Hm. Perhaps I did use too many metaphors, Daddy. I planned on writing more but after a week I was feeling sleepy and knew you’d be home soon.

(Andy finally looks into the mirror, into the face of the Ripper, the man that’s been inside him all along.)

ANDY
Oh, my God. I knew. I knew you.

RIPPER
You knew I was taking your body for test drives whenever you went beddy bye. You knew I was cleaning up your messes because you couldn’t handle it. “Boo hoo. I can’t hurt humans. Boo hoo. All this magnificent power is too much for me. Boo hoo. With great power comes great responsibility.” You knew and you didn’t care because you want out.

ANDY
No.

RIPPER
Don’t lie to me. I know you. I knew you.

(Mirror Andy reaches below the dresser and comes out with the scalpel, clean and shiny.)

RIPPER
Look what I brought.

ANDY
No!

(Andy leans back, trying to escape, but mirror Andy is faster. Mirror Andy reaches through the reflection, grabs Andy, and holds him close.)


RIPPER
Still trying to run from yourself? You think you’d learn.

(Andy struggles.)

ANDY
Let me go!

(Mirror Andy grins, pulling Andy closer.)

RIPPER
I’m stronger than you, Andy. I’m better than you.

ANDY
What are you going to do?

RIPPER
What I’ve been doing: Cleaning up your messes. Then I’ll make a few messes of my own. Thank you, Andy.

ANDY
Stop.

RIPPER
No, I’m serious. None of this would be possible without you. So I’m gonna give you that gift you’ve been yearning for so long…

(Mirror Andy shoves the scalpel into Andy’s throat, twists it grinning, and then pulls it out in one long slash.)

RIPPER
…oblivion.

(Andy sputters blood, choking on his own life, and then collapses to the floor, dead. Mirror Andy leans back into his seat, he cleans off the scalpel then carefully places it atop the dresser. With a triumphant grin, he opens the top dresser drawer and stands. Swiftly, like magic, he pulls the black London Fog trench coat from the drawer and slides into it, his second skin. Then he pulls out the bowler hat and tilts it over his face, obscuring his identity in shadow once more. Yet beneath the shadow, a smile can be sensed, the shark toothed smile of the Ripper. Lights go down on the half of the stage with Andy’s death. Dr. Randolf enters onto the Ripper’s half of the stage. He does not seem happy to see Ripper.)

RIPPER
Don’t seem so disappointed, Doc. You’ll hurt my feelings.

DR. RANDOLF
Where’s Andy?

RIPPER
Gone. For good.

(There is a long eerie silence.)

RIPPER
Lighten up, Doc. Andy finally gets some peace, you get a badass who can get the job done, we save the world, everyone gets what they want.

(Another long, unnatural silence.)

RIPPER
Fine. I’ll make it better.

(He closes his eyes and turns around twice.)

RIPPER
Hi, I’m Andy, but I still kick ass. Now let’s go. We’ve got work to do.

(Dr. Randolf, with a face that seems both sorrowful and guilty, exits. The lights dim. Softly, a voice on the shadows, ghostly, lost, speaks; Andy’s voice.)

ANDY
If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended, that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding, but a dream.

RIPPER
Dream’s over, Andy. My time now.

(The Ripper storms out, slamming the door behind him. Blackout.)